RESEARCHERS have definitively proven that children aged 11-16 are in complete command of any bus they are on.
The children counter the disadvantage in age, wealth, intelligence and being outnumbered by not giving a shit about any of it.
Anthropologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Their music, broadcast through competing smartphones like a tinny Jamaican soundclash, controls the tempo of the bus.”
Fisher found that by speculating loudly about other passengers’ sexuality, physical attributes or the type of ‘boss’ car they would be unable to afford, the children neuter potential rebellions before they start.
She added: “Marking their territory at the back with a heady mix of Sharpie graffiti and Lynx, they maintain a two-seat buffer zone around their colony.
“Their reign of terror is awful, absolute and between approximately 7.30am to 9am and 3.30pm to 5pm Monday to Friday.”
Nikki Hollis, 14, said: “Yeah, that woman down the front thinks she’s a professor, she talking about us.
“She’s got a shit bag. Shit coat. She pretending she can’t hear me but she can hear me.”