Schoolkids rule the bus, confirm experts

RESEARCHERS have definitively proven that children aged 11-16 are in complete command of any bus they are on.

The children counter the disadvantage in age, wealth, intelligence and being outnumbered by not giving a shit about any of it.

Anthropologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Their music, broadcast through competing smartphones like a tinny Jamaican soundclash, controls the tempo of the bus.”

Fisher found that by speculating loudly about other passengers’ sexuality, physical attributes or the type of ‘boss’ car they would be unable to afford, the children neuter potential rebellions before they start.

She added: “Marking their territory at the back with a heady mix of Sharpie graffiti and Lynx, they maintain a two-seat buffer zone around their colony.

“Their reign of terror is awful, absolute and between approximately 7.30am to 9am and 3.30pm to 5pm Monday to Friday.”

Nikki Hollis, 14, said: “Yeah, that woman down the front thinks she’s a professor, she talking about us.

“She’s got a shit bag. Shit coat. She pretending she can’t hear me but she can hear me.”


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Savoy Hotel closes after bad TripAdvisor review

LONDON hotel The Savoy has closed its doors after more than 125 years following a one-star TripAdvisor review.

The damning review, which leaves the hotel’s reputation in tatters, was written by well-respected user steel_norm, who recently gave Camber Sands Pontins the maximum five stars.

Savoy manager Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s been a good run.

“We’ve had Frank Sinatra, Oscar Wilde and Sir Winston Churchill, but they are not senior reviewers on a popular website who more than 25 users have voted helpful.

“He enjoyed his stay and the staff apparently met his standards of servility but his afternoon scone was insufficiently warm and well, that’s it for us.

“All the oil princes are always on TripAdvisor and, seeing us ranked 20,859 out of 20,859 – just behind a Nunhead B&B which houses teenage offenders – have now cancelled their bookings.

The growing power of TripAdvisor was demonstrated last month when the entire island of Mykonos was abandoned by locals after poor notices for their cocktail two-for-one offers.

An unrepentant Norman Steele said: “Also, my tea came with those weird, uneven-shaped sugar lumps rather than sachets.”