Provisional England squad provisionally eliminated from Euro 2016

ROY Hodgson’s 26-man England squad has provisionally lost on penalties to a provisional Spain squad.

It has been revealed that England is due to win its group before struggling past Croatia in extra-time, finally losing to Spain on penalties with John Stones missing the crucial spot-kick in sudden death.

Roy Hodgson said: “Obviously I’m provisionally gutted for the lads and especially for John who has understandably taken the news badly.

“He’ll be wishing he hadn’t blasted that hypothetical penalty over the bar, but then again Wayne Rooney will think he shouldn’t have scuffed that presumed chance wide from six yards with five minutes left in extra-time.

“I’ve offered the Football Association my provisional resignation which they’ve provisionally accepted.”

England fans received the news of their provisional exit from Euro 2016 with disappointment but admitted it was convenient to be able to plan for the summer.

Supporter Wayne Hayes said: “I’m devastated, but at least it’s nice to have a little bit of notice. I’m going to smash a few car windows in advance.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Entire office seems to be doing some sort of roleplay

EVERYONE in an office appears to be playing out a cliched role in a slightly over-dramatic way, a new employee has noticed.

Since joining a patio heater firm two weeks ago, accounts assistant Tom Logan has been puzzled by his colleagues’ attempts to make everything seem important.

Logan said: “I began to suspect they were weird when someone told me not to get on the wrong side of the HR woman, Tina, because she could ‘make life very difficult for me’.

“I doubt I’m going to have a bitter feud with a 55-year-old woman who’s nothing to do with me, unless working for a small business in Ipswich is a constant power struggle.

“The sales team are always shouting things like ‘Who’s actioning that?’ and ‘I’ve got your back, Steve!’. I think they’re pretending to be in the army.

“Then there’s the secretary, Lorna, who acts like she’s indispensable and has loads of influence with the boss. The most tragic thing is it’s straight out of Mad Men.

“I can understand people wanting a psychological defence against their own insignificance, but that’s no excuse for the security guard staring at me like Vin Diesel.”