Qatar to create new ice age for 2022 World Cup

QATAR plans to trigger an ice age to cool the Earth sufficiently for it to host the World Cup.

The scheme, which will reduce the Earth’s temperature by 32 degrees and leave 70 per cent of it uninhabitable, has been approved by FIFA who said it was preferable to the administrative headache of changing the location.

The plan will wrench the Earth from its axis, causing the seas to freeze over and turning most of Europe into a wasteland inhabited by fur-clad barbarians fighting packs of feral bull-seals, though the Scots are not expected to notice.

A spokesman for the Qatari Football Federation said: “The pathetic remnants of humanity which cling to life will be more dependent on oil than ever.

“Also the survivors of our heavily branded Qatarstrophe – and do not even think about using that name without clearance from the rights owners – will come to our stadiums for food, shelter and the cheering spectacle of homosexuals fighting cave bears at the opening ceremony.”

Competing nations fear that the freezing, potentially lethal conditions will make an attractive passing game impossible.

Former Stoke manager Tony Pulis, whose tough-tackling long-ball game would suit the unforgiving Arctic tundra perfectly, is tipped to take over as England manager.

Following approval of the plan, FIFA president Sepp Blatter said: “My work here is complete.”

Pausing only to tear the flesh mask from his inhuman crystalline features, he then climbed into a waiting spaceship and departed for the Crab Nebula.

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I refuse to look at Cameron's bulbous gloating face

Dear Holly,

I can handle the disappointment of seeing the Scottish team defeated at Wembley. I’m happy to cover the clean-up bill for Trafalgar Square (which is currently strewn with empty cans of Tennents and Irn-Bru vomit). But what I refuse to do, is have to look for one minute longer at David Cameron’s bulbous, shiny, smug English face as he celebrates another English victory. If I were to attack him with a claymore, Rob Roy-style, do you think it might damage my chances in the 2014 referendum?

Alex Salmond

Dear Alex,

If it’s any consolation, you can count on us kids to vote for you in your referendum thingy next year. If you think about it, the Scottish nation and children have got loads of stuff in common: we can’t get enough sugary drinks and toffee; nobody ever takes us seriously; and we base all of our historical knowledge on Mel Gibson films. We’ve even got to have our own special TV programmes that no-one else can understand. Aside from the swearing and alcoholism, I think you’ll agree we’re peas in a pod.

Hope that helps!