QATAR plans to trigger an ice age to cool the Earth sufficiently for it to host the World Cup.
The scheme, which will reduce the Earth’s temperature by 32 degrees and leave 70 per cent of it uninhabitable, has been approved by FIFA who said it was preferable to the administrative headache of changing the location.
The plan will wrench the Earth from its axis, causing the seas to freeze over and turning most of Europe into a wasteland inhabited by fur-clad barbarians fighting packs of feral bull-seals, though the Scots are not expected to notice.
A spokesman for the Qatari Football Federation said: The pathetic remnants of humanity which cling to life will be more dependent on oil than ever.
Also the survivors of our heavily branded Qatarstrophe and do not even think about using that name without clearance from the rights owners will come to our stadiums for food, shelter and the cheering spectacle of homosexuals fighting cave bears at the opening ceremony.”
Competing nations fear that the freezing, potentially lethal conditions will make an attractive passing game impossible.
Former Stoke manager Tony Pulis, whose tough-tackling long-ball game would suit the unforgiving Arctic tundra perfectly, is tipped to take over as England manager.
Following approval of the plan, FIFA president Sepp Blatter said: My work here is complete.”
Pausing only to tear the flesh mask from his inhuman crystalline features, he then climbed into a waiting spaceship and departed for the Crab Nebula.