Workers just want more money

THE key to a happy workforce is giving them more money, it has emerged.

Research into employee satisfaction has revealed that staff couldn’t really give a shit about anything except getting paid more.

Management consultant Tom Booker said: “We thought maybe they wanted better training, flexible hours or timetabled structured sessions. Or table football in the refectory.

“They don’t. They want money.

“It’s pretty obvious when you think about it. I mean, it’s all I want.”

Sales administrator Emma Bradford said: “I am in this office for one reason alone, and that is not to attend regular go-karting sessions with relative strangers.

“Nor is it the challenge of being the very best I can be and delivering outstanding performance every second of the day, in accordance with our corporate mission statement.

“I just want money to spend on things, and if I get enough of it then I’ll be in a good mood all the time.”

Assistant office manager Julian Cook agreed: “The bosses here have introduced a thing where we take turns to stand on a chair and every member of the team says a positive thing about us.

“I would much rather have just one single fiver. Even a pound coin.”

Tom Booker added: “The only difficulty is that as soon as you give people more money they immediately convince themselves they deserve more. Especially if the people in charge are getting wheelbarrows full of the stuff.

“I’ve no solution for that. It’s just how it goes, really.”

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Hyperloop 'not viable because of flatulence'

TRAVELLERS on a planned ‘tubular transportation system’ would be suffocated by human wind, it has been claimed.

PayPal billionaire Elon Musk’s designs for a 760mph ‘Hyperloop’ have been criticised for ignoring the potentially lethal volume of anal gas that would occur within its sealed environment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The designs show dozens of passengers strapped into a futuristic tube that is practically airtight.

“There simply isn’t enough air flow for the wind to dissipate. All it takes is one good drifter and everyone will be physically sick.”

He added: “Passengers will be fired at incredible speeds right into strangers’ farts.

“At that velocity, if the person in front of you drops one it comes out pretty much inside your nose. They are letting off inside your face.”

Professor Brubaker said the problem was likely to be exacerbated by fast food consumed at the Hyperloop station.

He said: “When you’re travelling, you never manage to get breakfast at home so you would probably grab a bacon and egg McMuffin. That rubbery disc of egg is the archetypal fart catalyst.

“Now imagine hundreds of thousands of commuters, full of processed dairy product and nervous at the prospect of becoming human bullets. It’s the perfect fart storm.

“For 21st century transport, you really need a jetpack. Then you can let rip as you please because you’re in the sky, also any fart sounds will be masked by the jets.”