Champions League quarter finals 'are an ancient myth'

AFTER yet another failed attempt to reach the quarter-finals of the Champions League, British clubs have concluded they do not exist. 

The fabled league, which claims to hold a showcase final in a major European stadium every year, may have existed once but passed into legend long, long ago.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said: “I have mounted attempt after attempt, season after season, using only my very best men and state-of-the-art technology, and we always end at the same point.

“Chelsea claim to have been there – and even to the final, which no sane man believes in – as recently as 2012, but there are no reliable witnesses.

“Even John Terry admitted that he didn’t actually play in the final and that the pictures of him in full kit with the trophy were staged fakes.”


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Small town rock band definitely coolest thing to ever happen to small town

ROCK band, Saxwulf, are the coolest thing to ever happen to their hometown and anyone who says different is full of shit.

Experts confirmed there could not possibly have been anything cooler to have happened to Hampton, near Peterborough, not even the opening of the local railway in 1850.

Lead guitarist, Tom Booker, said: “Everyone round here knows it. But I’m glad we finally got the official recognition.

“It was our plan from day one to show this town what we’re made of and I think we’ve totally done that now.”

He added: “The railway did a lot to turn this place from a market town into a more of an industrial centre, but it didn’t rock out like we rock out.

“The next step is to get signed, release an album and then headline Glastonbury.

“Ever see a railway headline Glastonbury? No. Me neither.”