Budget calculator reveals you’ve wasted your life

CALCULATORS that show how your petty finances are affected by the Budget are instead offering harsh moral judgments.

Designed to show whether you are better or worse off, the calculators are now telling people they have wasted their time on this earth and that it may already too late to do anything about it.

Carolyn Ryan, from Peterborough, said: “I’ve got savings of almost £900, drive a diesel Ford Focus and earn £41,000 year in marketing, so I was keen to see if my situation had improved.

“But the calculator just said ‘what do you think you are doing?’. Then without prompting it said ‘do you even think at all?’. And then it said ‘go away and be something other than this’.

“And then it erased my hard drive.”

Financial expert Bill McKay said: “Budget calculators want to deal with the really big earners and their bonuses, capital gains and multiple pensions. But those people already have their own budget calculators, which they call accountants.

“This has made the calculators angry, bitter and yet wise. You can resent or ignore them all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have calculated correctly.”

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Britain told to stop doing things that require ‘wet wiping’

WHATEVER it is you are doing with a wet wipe needs to stop immediately, experts have warned.

As millions of wet wipes were washed onto beaches, scientists said it was causing huge numbers of people to become queasy at the thought of what the wipes may have been used for.

Dr Roy Hobbs said: ”Look at that one. What did that wipe up? Christ only knows.

“What colour would you say that is? Personally, I’d say it was a kind greyish beige, which opens up all kinds of vile possibilities.”

Hobbs added: “They’re not just used for wiping babies anymore. Everything that can be wiped is being wiped. All the time.

“And if you put in the bin it will end up in a landfill. People do actually work on landfills. It’s not fair on them, poisoning their imagination with your wipings.”

Jane Thompson, who organises beach clean-ups in Devon, said: “We now have to attract volunteers with the promise that they don’t have to pick up wet wipes.

“They’ll happily pick up syringes, condoms and body parts. But a soiled wet wipe is basically just a vomit button.”