Nu-Lads and hipsters in Brighton beach battle

A SEASIDE town is being plagued by confrontations between rival youth fashion tribes.

Brighton seafront has witnessed tense stand-offs as hipsters and so-called ‘Nu-Lads’ make the resort a no-go area.

Locals have been terrorised by hipsters descending on the town en masse on their Penny Farthings, facing off against Nu-Lads on their ironic BMXs.

Nu-Lad Tom Logan said: “There’s no hope for me and my generation. All we’ve got for kicks is a fashion narrative that incorporates high end and low end labels from Lonsdale to Palace and a style aesthetic that combines activewear and neoprene.”

Bearded hipster Nathan Muir said: “If these Nu-Lads fancy a tear-up they’re welcome to it. Whether it’s a Krautrock karaoke smackdown or a cupcake bake-off, we’ll meet them anywhere, any time.”

May bank holiday has been scheduled for the next major clash between the two tribes, with all police leave cancelled amid fears of passive-aggressive sneering on the pier.

Tom Logan said: “We’re hoping the boys will come down in numbers even though Nu-Lads are entirely the figment of a Guardian writer’s imagination.”


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Scientists to hatch Creme Egg

THE age-old question of what sort of creature would emerge from a Creme Egg will finally be answered in time for Easter.

The Institute for Studies has succeeded in fertilizing the fondant embryos using DNA extracted from Penguin biscuits.

The eggs are now being incubated at a secret location by a family of Lindt D’Or chocolate bunnies.

But the scientists remain uncertain about what will emerge when the chocolate shell finally breaks.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The team is divided. Some believe it will be a milk chocolate bird with a low cocoa solids content closely resembling a curlew.

“Others think it will be a lizard, possibly a sticky white chameleon capable of changing flavour according to what it’s sitting on.”

Fans of the Creme Egg were excited by the news. Janet Fisher, from Cheltenham, said: “If the creatures that hatch can lay eggs too, then we could have the world’s first truly sustainable gooey chocolate treat.”

But Roy Hobbs, an animal right activist from Walthamstow, said: “We tamper with confectionary nature at our peril.

“Don’t forget that orchard of Terry’s Chocolate Orange Trees near York. They have foil instead of bark and the branches try to grab hold of you.”