LinkedIn confirms it is never going to stop sending you emails

LINKEDIN has unveiled plans to keep sending you wheedling, passive-aggressive emails you never asked for.

The company has confirmed that it has built a special computer with your name and photo on it that will send you two emails a day forever.

A spokesman said: “Remember, you were invited to join the network by a workmate of your cousin’s boyfriend you met at a wedding. That’s legally binding.”

But Joanna Kramer, a dental technician, said: “At first I ignored them, then marked them as spam, then tried to unsubscribe only to discover I had signed up for something called ‘LinkedIn Premium’.

“The birthday messages are particularly troubling. I’m half expecting them to send a photo of me in the shower.”

Martin Bishop, a design engineer, added: “I have nightmares where I’m chased through a post-apocalyptic landscape by a huge LinkedIn logo with massive fangs and long hairy legs.

“Whenever it gets within a few yards I hear it shouting that I should read this article about nine emerging markets in the South Asian energy sector.”

The LinkedIn spokesman said: “If Martin is still sure LinkedIn is not for him, we’ll send him Stage One of the Preliminary Introduction to the Unsubscription Assessment.”


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Tools secretly are left in van overnight

WORKMEN throughout the UK are covertly leaving tools in their vans overnight despite baldly stating the complete opposite.

More than half of the vans bearing notices that no tools are left in them overnight are actually deceiving thieves, employers and hard working families by doing that very thing.

Joiner Stephen Malley said: “I’ve been living a lie for years.

“I used to make a bit of a pretence of it, tell the wife I’d already been to the garage with the circular saw, but I soon realised she didn’t care and neither did I.

“It gives me a huge thrill. I’m so blatant it’s like I want to be caught.”

Petty thief Wayne Hayes said: “What? They’re in there, even though it says clearly that they’re not?

“That is disgraceful.”