Internet now fully explored, declares Microsoft

MICROSOFT is phasing out Internet Explorer because there is no internet left unexplored.

The browser, once used by millions discovering new photographs of large women in party hats every day, is now used by a handful of people with nothing new to map but the endless wasteland of Buzzfeed lists.

The company has also advised anyone on the internet to stop using browers made by other companies as it is a waste of time.

A Microsoft spokesman said: “Once the internet was a new frontier, filled with hilarious blogs by girls who think they’re vampires and hitherto unseen photographs of small Indonesian trains.

“But now it has been tamed, our explorers venturing into every corner and often returning traumatised for life by the experience.

“The names of these great explorers – Alexander Google, Sir Percival Mediafire, Lord Montgomery Fawcett Sextube – will live on in the memory of their achievements, but the browser they pioneered has gone.”

Internet Explorer will be replaced in the upcoming Windows 10 by an application that finds a way to blackmail you and preemptively takes the money from your account.


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll convince colleagues that Nigel Farage’s book ‘The Purple Revolution’ is about his Vimto sex fetish.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say a good man is hard to find, whereas finding you simply involves following the sophisticated smell of Lynx.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week’s solar eclipse will have a major effect on Taureans as they all simultaneously fall down a manhole while watching it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been a difficult few months for Gemini but things are looking up this weekend as that massive scab on your lip finally falls off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You celebrate the 30th anniversary of neighbours by moving to Australia, gaining three stone and changing your name to Harold.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Money worries come to an end next week when you lose your house and the associated cost of filling it with crap.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A new and exciting person will enter your life on Monday. At 3am. Through the bedroom window. Just tell him where the jewellery is and then shut it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Now is not the time to panic. Just take a deep brea…SHIT, NO, PANIC!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just been speaking to the Bogey Man. He does not like you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In a bid to get to know your neighbours better, this week you start learning the drums.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away. And my Buffy box set, you fucker.