SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.
Brazil’s Neymar was subjected to prolonged booing during Scotland’s traditional arse-handing but it is believed this was due to confusion over which church he attends.
A Scottish FA spokesman said: “The protestants thought he was Papist scum while the Catholics were unsure about his commitment to achieving a united Ireland through terrorist violence.
“If he turns out to be Muslim or Buddhist then we’ll issue an unreserved apology along with a cheerful comment about how much we all love a curry.”
He added: “It’s upsetting that he thought we were being racist as our fans are famous for being jolly and friendly and too drunk to remember where they left their machetes.”
The spokesman also denied a banana was thrown at Neymar insisting it was probably sneaked into a fan’s packed lunch and then thrown away in terror and confusion by someone who has never encountered fruit.
But Neymar said: “You don’t see this kind of thing in my country amongst adults who have managed to avoid being killed by police death squads. And when we eventually get around to electing a black president I’m sure he’ll denounce stuff like this.”
The SFA hopes to rebuild Scotland’s reputation when they face Wales in Cardiff for their opening match in the Nations Conquered by The English Cup.
The spokesman added: “It should be a cracking atmosphere as 70,000 Catholics, Presbyterians and Methodists scream abuse at each other over something that happened in a field 300 years ago.”