AA repairmen still can't resist having a pop

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that over 97% of repairmen working for roadside breakdown companies could not manage to repair a vehicle without at least one condescending remark.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Typically the repairman will speak to the broken down person as if he or she is the owner of a badly undernourished pet, adopt a moralising tone and ask a lot of rhetorical questions like, ‘that plug looks a bit like a chimneysweep’s finger, doesn’t it?’ or ‘that looks corroded to me, does it look corroded to you?’.

“The stranded driver generally just has to stand there and take it – like a bitch – while making the odd murmur about having been a bit busy to get it serviced.

“Perhaps it’s because a high-visibility jacket instantly confers authority on the wearer that we accept this so meekly when in fact all the repairman actually needs to do is fix it and then fuck off.

“Perhaps for an extra £10 a year the breakdown companies could issue a ‘fix it and fuck off’ card which you could brandish the moment the words ‘oh dear’ begin to creep out of his smug, working class face.”

Motorist Stephen Malley said: “How would they like it if they had erectile dysfunction and I was the only guy in a hundred mile radius with Viagra and I wouldn’t let them have any until I’d chastised them about the state of the veins facilitating blood flow to their penis?”

AA man Bill McKay said: “Actually I do have erectile dysfunction and was also teased at school because of a misshapen belly button that looks like a teddy bear’s nose.

“It’s these things that compelled me to learn much more about cars than you will ever know and make you look like a child in front of your stranded, vulnerable wife.”


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Boycott to open therapy centre

GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire’s larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.

Treatments will include sock-pulling-up lessons and an automated face-slapping machine that will simultaneously shake patients by the shoulders while buying them a pint of bitter.

Boycott said: “You might be an absolute bloody disgrace of a man right now, but I promise I can stop you from crying like some old grannie and do it with my eyes shut.

“Before you know it, you’ll be burying all those useless feelings under a steady diet of alcohol and bluster about car maintenance.

“I’m no psychiatrist, as every scrap of evidence clearly points to, but I do know that there’s nothing that can’t be cured by taking the dog for a walk while somebody tells you to pack it in because you’re a damned embarrassment to the game.”

The Geoffrey Boycott Depansification Clinic will not treat women because who really wants to listen to some bloody female going on about her emotional void and her dodgy waterworks?

But psychiatrist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “Boycott should try to understand that not everybody is from Yorkshire and as such may not have an unshakeable and wholly unjustified belief in their own brilliance.

“Most humans are prey to bouts of introspection and self-doubt rather than loudly telling anybody who’ll listen that they come from the greatest piece of land on the planet and that therefore, by some inexplicable transitive property, they are also unquestionably superb.

“Depression is a complex and debilitating illness that sometimes requires therapy and medication rather than simply grinding out an unbeaten 152 against Worcestershire.”