Rooney inspiring kids to guzzle Yum Yums and burn out at 29


WAYNE Rooney has inspired millions of young Britons to phone it in while gorging on sticky buns.

The Manchester United and England captain has been identified as the perfect role model for lazy young people who are unable resist the lure of Greggs.

Tom Booker, a data entry clerk, said: “I want people to look at me and say, ‘that Tom Booker could have been the best data entry clerk in Wiltshire, but he stopped giving a toss and now he’s only in it for the money.

“I share Wayne’s refusal to admit blatant incompetence, as well as his devotion to the Yum Yum.”

Nathan Muir, a 17 year-old from Stevenage, said: “When I leave school, I want to be a cautionary tale, just like my hero.

“I’m going to shout a lot to make it look like I’m trying really hard, but secretly I’ll be putting in the bare minimum of effort while refusing to take responsibility for my mistakes.

“It’s the English way.”

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Public to buy Lloyds and destroy it

ORDINARY Britons are to buy Lloyds bank so that they can send it back to the hell from which it came.

The government is selling off shares in the evil corporation, in the mistaken belief that people want to see it thrive.

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Lloyds has dicked me at every opportunity and now it’s time the chickens came home to roost.

“I see these shares as an opportunity for semi-legally justifiable revenge.

“As a stakeholder it will be technically ‘mine’ which means I can run around my local branch with a cricket bat, smashing everywhere and saying ‘die, die, die’ in a demented voice.”

He added: “Probably I should just have moved my current account years ago, but it’s hassle.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I want my say in how Lloyds is run, and my suggestion would be to see it engulfed in flames.

“I reckon we should close all the branches, dish out the computer equipment to poor people and make its hair-gelled loans spivs build a bonfire around its buildings.

“But I bet the smoke from the flames will form the shape of a big menacing black horse in the sky, making everyone worry that the evil will rise again.”