Rooney’s primary school teachers still scared of him

SEVERAL teachers remained in hiding when Wayne Rooney returned to visit his old primary school, it has emerged.

Millionaire harness bull Rooney visited his first school in Liverpool to mark his 100th England cap and make good on some threats he doled out as a six-year-old.

Teacher Wayne Haynes said: “My abiding memory of Wayne is cowering in the stationary cupboard while his small but immensely powerful fists drummed on the door as he demanded I come out and face him.

“During Wayne’s time we became the only teaching staff in the UK authorised to use a tranquiliser dart gun.

“If you’ve seen the horror film The Brood, it was like that.

“I still check under the bed every night.”

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Britain still pretty good at Pot Noodle

BRITAIN continues to lead the world in noodle rehydration, it has been confirmed.

“Just rejoice at that news”

As it emerged the country’s sandwich making days were over, experts insisted that capturing food between two slices of bread was the nutritional equivalent of a horse-drawn plough.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A generation ago Britain had the foresight to realise that 21st Century food would be based on potted dehydration.

“Thus we began to hone our skills in boiling, lifting and pouring. Meanwhile, because of communism, eastern Europeans still regarded the sandwich as cutting-edge and desirable.”

Professor Brubaker stressed Britain is the only country to know exactly how much water to add initially and, crucially, how long to wait before topping up.

He added: “Hungarian Pot Noodles are an exercise in watery chaos.”

Prime minister David Cameron insisted that as long as Britain led the world in Pot Noodle it had no need of sandwiches or Europeans.

Holding up a perfectly rehydrated fork full of chicken and mushroom, he said: “Leave us alone, you bloody savages.”