Running Stupid

RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.

As more than 2500 people in shorts and a vest had to be rescued from a mountain in the middle of a storm, experts warned that running had never been more pointless.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Thousands of years ago our ancestors had no choice but to run after cows or away from dinosaurs.

"But now we have mopeds and hatchbacks. Neither of which involve stupid, overpriced shoes and thinking you're better than me.

"But you just have to put on your Lycra and your wraparound sunglasses and do all your stretching because if you don't you could pull a muscle and then you'd have to limp around the office and tell everyone how not being able to go for a run is driving you crazy.

"Well I hope you do pull a muscle, and I hope it does drive you crazy and you end up in a huge mental hospital rubbing custard into your scalp and drinking your own piss."

Dr Logan added: "And then there's those people who meet up in a pub and go for a jog and then come back to the pub and drink orange squash and stand around stewing in their own stench.

"I really must conduct some research to find out if there is actually a more detestable collection of bastards."

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Media Add The Word 'Gate' To The Word 'Yacht'

NEWSPAPER editors broke dangerous new ground last night by adding the word 'gate' to the word 'yacht'.

Yacht-lovers across the world reacted in horror as 'gate' was added, either hyphenated or in a combination that formed one long, nine-letter word.

James Harding, the editor of The Times, said: "By adding the word 'gate' this is no longer a humdrum story about an everyday yacht.

"This is a story that goes to the very heart of yachts and yes, perhaps even gates.

"Indeed, given the size of the original yacht, this scandal is now so big it could very easily bring down the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!"

But a White House spokesman warned: "It's all very well writing stories about yachts and gates, but Mr Harding might want to think twice before bringing this country to its knees."

Media analyst Tom Logan said: "Now they've added the word 'gate' to the word 'yacht' I will be taking it a lot more seriously.

"Nevertheless, I still can't help thinking this is just another run-of-the-mill story about a couple of arsehole politicians sucking a rich man's cock."