'Sick' athletes must compete unless they have note from mum

WORLD Championship athletes claiming to be poorly with a tummy bug must have a note signed by a parent, officials have confirmed.

Competitors in the World Athletics Championships are claiming to have ‘a 24 hour bug thing’ and have offered handwritten sicknotes which are being carefully scrutinised by organisers.

World Championships official Martin Bishop said: “Running round and round is boring and tiring, we know this. Athletes will try anything to get out of taking part, especially if it’s raining.

“Some claim they’ve forgotten their kit, but this is risky because they know we’ll probably make them wear the smelly shorts and dirty vest from the lost property box or, failing that, do it in their pants.

“Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about genuine notes written by soppy mums who will crumble at the first hint of tears and write down a load of lies to get their kids out of it.”

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Vain, petty nutjob finally meets his equal

NORTH Korean leader Kim Jong-un has finally met a leader as powerful, vain, petty and intellectually limited as he is, he has confirmed. 

Kim, who lives in palaces of golden luxury watching kung-fu films and news reports about how incredible he is, has admitted that President Trump is his Western doppelganger.

He continued: “He calls himself a capitalist. I call myself a communist. But really, we are the same.

“I stare into those vacant, piggy eyes, possessed of no intelligence but an infinite desire for adulation and a total disregard for others, and it’s like looking in a mirror.

“He is old and I am young, I am a triumph of hereditary rule and he is a triumph of democracy, but deep down we are two spoilt children with chocolate around our mouths who will destroy the world rather than share it.

“In theory we could be friends, we have so much in common, but I am too pig-headed and obstinate to allow that and I know in my heart that he is the same, so it will be armageddon instead.”

He added: “All life on earth, extinguished in a jealous clash between two tantrumming stupids. So perfect.”