ANDREW Strauss has angrily dismissed accusations that the England cricket squad is capable of doing things deliberately.
In a passionate defence of his players, the England captain insisted the team’s performance is merely a form of sporting Brownian motion with results being the application of chaos theory in action.
Strauss said: “We could no more dishonestly affect the outcome of a match than we could catch that hard red thing that flies all over the place.
“If you were to plot our intentions versus the outcomes, you would have two graphs of random, wildly flailing dots.
“And if it was us bowling, half the dots would have flown completely off the graph into a neighbouring mathematical equation and we’d have to ask it nicely to throw them back over.”
He added: “English cricket is governed by two universal constants – a chronic
inability to learn from one’s mistakes interspersed with a series of
“The idea that the traditional English middle order collapse is
somehow deliberate is a bit like saying Scotland lose football matches
on purpose. Or that Noel Edmonds is being paid to be a fucker.”
Meanwhile, shadowy betting syndicates have been approached to see if they can bribe English sportsmen to win things.
The ECB, the FA and the British Athletics Association have all made it known that they have no problem with the nobility of the game being compromised in exchange for just a tad less unremitting awfulness.
Cricketologist Roy Hobbs said: “Our sportsmen have consistently proven that there’s absolutely nothing they won’t do for money – so let’s see if that could also include not being utter piss for five minutes.”