VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.
With creepy priests coming under increasing scrutiny in the wake of the Pope’s vow to continue talking about doing something about their behaviour, international law enforcement agencies have begun cutting deals with very short, very hard, boyish-looking psychopaths who are able to deliver instant, painful retribution to potential evildoers.
Three-foot-nothing Tom Logan, whose aliases include ‘Scale Model of Death’ and who was incarcerated for an impressive string of sociopathic acts, is one of the pocket-sized mentalists – so-called ‘tiny traps’ – currently posing as a coquettish chorister.
He said: “I’m not a big man, but I have a track record of removing people’s faces with my teeth.
“I’ve been granted freedom from high-security incarceration in exchange for donning a cassock and a blonde ‘basin-style’ wig.
“After conniving my way into a choir, it wasn’t long before my good looks attracted the attention of a particularly despicable cleric.
“He invited me into the cloisters for some personal tuition. I waited until he revealed his sleazy intentions, then I went Don’t Look Now on his holy butt.
“Probably he’s having quite a hard time explaining to his colleagues how he slipped on some rosary beads and broke every single bone in his body several times. And I don’t imagine he’s looking forward to passing the Bible I forced him to swallow whole.”
He added: “I love this job.”