Psycho Midgets To Become Undercover Choirboys

VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.

With creepy priests coming under increasing scrutiny in the wake of the Pope’s vow to continue talking about doing something about their behaviour, international law enforcement agencies have begun cutting deals with very short, very hard, boyish-looking psychopaths who are able to deliver instant, painful retribution to potential evildoers.

Three-foot-nothing Tom Logan, whose aliases include ‘Scale Model of Death’ and who was incarcerated for an impressive string of sociopathic acts, is one of the pocket-sized mentalists – so-called ‘tiny traps’ – currently posing as a coquettish chorister.

He said: “I’m not a big man, but I have a track record of removing people’s faces with my teeth.

“I’ve been granted freedom from high-security incarceration in exchange for donning a cassock and a blonde ‘basin-style’ wig.

“After conniving my way into a choir, it wasn’t long before my good looks attracted the attention of a particularly despicable cleric.

“He invited me into the cloisters for some personal tuition. I waited until he revealed his sleazy intentions, then I went Don’t Look Now on his holy butt.

“Probably he’s having quite a hard time explaining to his colleagues how he slipped on some rosary beads and broke every single bone in his body several times. And I don’t imagine he’s looking forward to passing the Bible I forced him to swallow whole.”

He added: “I love this job.”


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Boar Sires 80 Piglets By 10 Different Sows

A BOAR is to have his tenth litter by 10 different sows, ultimately costing the UK taxpayer as much as £2 million.

Keith Macdonald, an unemployed large white from Sunderland, has abandoned each of his piglets leaving the sows dependant on welfare benefits and food that is served in buckets.

Emma Bradford, a heavily tattooed 23 stone Tamworth, and mother of eight of MacDonald’s young, said: “He was a very tender lover. He mounted me slowly and carefully and didn’t bite the back of my neck or anything.

“He said he’d marry me and even started going to the toilet in my corner of the sty. But a week later he’s mounting Sarah McKenzie right in front of me while his piglets are sucking on my big red teats.”

She added: “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have an inexhaustible supply of money.”

But McKenzie, a Welsh-Saddleback cross who claims she has had four litters by six different boars, said: “He treated me like a proper lady and everything. The first time we met he rolled a rotting turnip towards me with his snout and said it was his last one but I could have it.

“He was so sweet and kind and smelled of really fresh dung.”

She added: “Emma Bradford’s a fuckin’ skank.”

Julie Archer, MacDonald’s current mate who carried his tenth litter, said: “As long as he treats me right then the past is in the past. I’m not worried about money ’cause one of my kids is going to be in a film about a little pig that saves a farm or somethin’.”

But MacDonald, who first had sex at the age of 11 months, said: “I’ve never denied any of me other kids but these last 17 aren’t mine. I wouldn’t know Julie Archer if she shat in me favourite bucket.”

Tom Logan, professor of public policy at Reading University, said: “By the time these piglets reach adulthood, you’re looking at a welfare bill of £2m including housing, clothing, food, Playstations, vet bills and replacement buckets.

“Or we could just eat them.”