Sturridge ‘100 per cent ready to break ankle’

DANIEL Sturridge has confirmed he is fit and ready to fall to bits.

As Euro 2016 gets under way, the Liverpool striker hopes to follow in the crutch-steps of former England players that have managed to snap something important when it is too late to replace them.

Sturridge said: “I’m in the most breakable condition of my life.

“Timing is everything for this but I’ve been working closely with the England physios and I reckon I can get my whole foot to fall off within the first three minutes of our opening game against Russia.”

Sturridge booked his place in the England squad after impressing Hodgson with a string of superb performances for Liverpool punctuated by a collection of X-rays the size of a phone book.

Pundits feel it could be a big tournament for a number of England players, with Marcus Rashford pipped to be “promising youngster who doesn’t kick a ball”, Harry Kane as “the only decent one” and John Stones as “the one who fucks it all up by hoofing it into his own net”.

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Boris Johnson looks like ‘future prime minister of broken, war-torn remains of Britain’

BORIS Johnson looks like the prime minister Britain will have when it is a shattered wasteland of vagrants fleeing war, commentators believe. 

Right-wingers impressed with the former mayor’s performance in last night’s EU debate say they can imagine his holographic face looming over the smoking ruins of London in no more than a few years.

Tom Booker of the Telegraph said: “You couldn’t see Johnson’s effortless triumph yesterday without immediately imagining him in 2022 exhorting a fleeing population to fight the Volgan invaders by any means necessary.

“Instantly you can see him addressing ragged crowds in a ration queue, announcing that the city of Manchester is now a radioactive crater, or solemnly promising that vaccinations for weaponised bubonic plague are on their way.

“There’s just something about him that screams ‘ineffectual figurehead of dystopia’.”

Johnson said: “If the nation calls upon me to lead them while they hide in flooded church basements from tireless seek-and-destroy drones, then so be it.

“I shall not shirk my destiny.”