The Mash guide to the FIFA presidential elections

THE race for the FIFA presidency is on, but who are the runners and riders?

Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa: Anti-corruption candidate known for his passionate hatred of football and everything associated with it.

Michel Platini: Anti-corruption candidate proving his credentials by personally fighting corruption changes, has added Les Bleus’ 20-man Euro 84-winning squad to bolster his bid, including Jean Tigana in sparkling form.

Prince Ali: Anti-corruption candidate popular with the African nations, but rumoured to be nothing more than a street thief empowered by a magic lamp he found in a cave.

Lance Armstrong: Anti-corruption candidate who has vowed that he will clean up the sport after he wins everything.

Jerome Champagne: Anti-corruption candidate best known as Morris Day’s bumbling valet in Purple Rain, hoping the voters’ reflex to tick any box marked ‘Champagne’ will propel him to victory.

Gandalf the White: Anti-corruption candidate, odds very much against.

Tokyo Sexwale:  The famous sex whale of Tokyo and the last of his kind in Japan, a lock with Asian nations but can only serve a single term before his metamorphosis begins. Pro-corruption candidate.

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Ask Holly: I'm tired of the thankless drudgery of full time parenting

Dear Holly,

In 2011, I retired from the music industry because I wanted to be a full time dad to my two young sons. But now I’ve changed my mind. The horse is out of the stable and I am raring to go, because, frankly, children are tiresome, selfish bastards who wipe jam on everything and make you watch Octonauts for five hours every day. I’m tired of the thankless drudgery of full time parenting and want to get back to real music, preferably of the variety that doesn’t involve an irritating fat bloke singing about his spotty bag. Will all the internet mums judge me?

Phil Collins

Jungle Jim’s Soft Play

Dear Phil,

When I grow up I want to be a rock star too. Or at least I did, before my mummy read in the Guardian that the latest thing was kids doing coding. Now me and all the other children aren’t allowed to want to be rock stars, or teachers, or firemen. We all have to go to coding club and tell everyone we’re going to be the next Steve Jobs or we’ll bring shame on our families.

Hope that helps,