Lanyard-wearers believe it protects them from witches

PEOPLE who insist on wearing ID lanyards outside the office believe they offer protection from black magic, it has emerged.

Researchers found that workers displaying laminated tags in pubs and on public transport are convinced they ward off all forms of evil spells.

Roy Hobbs, an IT professional from Slough said: “The lanyard doesn’t just offer security in the workplace. Its power is universal.

“I am fairly sure the woman running the local sandwich shop is a sorceress but her penis-withering curses just bounce off it.”

Accounts clerk Janet Fisher said: “The security tag not only keeps bad things away, it also attracts good ones, and if you keep it on during intercourse you can’t get pregnant.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “We previously believed that people who wore work tags in bars were bolstering their fragile egos by letting everybody know they had a white-collar job. We now know that they are far stupider than that.”

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'Cool' guy turns out to be a Christian

EVERYONE is incredibly surprised to discover a ‘quite cool’ 33-year-old man is a Christian.

Magazine designer Joe Turner regularly confuses people by appearing normal then revealing he believes an ancient supernatural being is controlling the universe.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Joe dresses fashionably and comes to the pub with us, yet also thinks he’s going to live forever in Heaven with his friend, Jesus.

“I had no idea he was a Christian until one lunchtime he casually told me God loves us and the Bible contains all the information we need to reject the path of sin.

“Then he just ate his tuna baguette.”

Hollis added: “He also seems to have girlfriends like a normal guy, but I thought sex before marriage was wrong. Maybe they’ve changed the rules, which is a bit unfair on all the people who’ve already gone to Hell.”

Turner said: “I’m just an everyday guy who goes to work, watches the footie and believes in the teachings of Middle Eastern prophets from 2,000 years ago.

“For me Christianity is about spiritual growth and being a good person. You’ve got to ignore bits of the Bible or I’d have to give away all my possessions and kill Steve in marketing for being a sodomite.”