Tory MP manages to say ‘tampon’ without giggling

A CONSERVATIVE MP has been praised for saying the word ‘tampon’ without turning red and falling over.

Norman Steele, 59, became the first Tory MP to refer to tampons by name, retaining his composure while his colleagues began snorting and wheezing at the thought of the feminine hygiene products.

Steele hesitated briefly before intoning ‘tampon’ in a throaty whisper, while explaining that VAT on them should not be abolished.

He said: “It went against all my instincts to say the word ‘tampon’ aloud, but I needed to make clear which female sanitary products I consider a taxable luxury, namely, all of them.”

Helen Archer, a political historian, said: “Whenever tampons have come up in the past, Tories have tended to use use terms like ’unthinkables’, ‘spark plugs’, and ‘lady corks’.

“Some members like to say ’women’s business’, but it’s never clear if they’re referring to tampons, frilly underwear or doing the washing up.”

Archer added she was hopeful a Conservative MP would successfully say the word ’menstruation’ by 2040.

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Andrew Lloyd Webber pens musical about what a twat he is

ANDREW Lloyd Webber’s new musical will tell the story of a billionaire who flies across an ocean to stop poor people getting tax credits.

Following the composer’s shows about misunderstood political figures Eva Peron, Jesus Christ and Bustopher Jones the Cat About Town, Wings of a Lord will follow his dramatic mission from New York to London to vote for government cuts.

In the story, democracy is overthrown by the grey-skinned Corbynites and Lloyd Webber is forced to lead a millionaire revolution. It ends with him standing with bra-clad heroine Michelle Mone in the blackened remains of London, Conservatism having prevailed.

Director Julian Cook said: “There’s a cast of thousands, mainly ragged beggars scuttling just out of the spotlight, and the three disciplines of dance, song and performance really create a vivid impression of what a painstakingly thorough twat Andrew Lloyd Webber really is.

“Sorry, I meant Baron Lloyd-Webber.”