Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you go on an impulsive trip to the Isle of Wight, because you’ve been drunk on aeroplanes, cruise ships, trains and even hot air balloons but never a hovercraft.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Sorry, your basic Family Zodiac package doesn’t include adult signs like Scorpio. Would you like to unlock them for £13.99?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve tried treating your insomnia by cutting out caffeine and taking your iPad out of the bedroom but if that doesn’t work it might be time to knock the amphetamines on the head.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Saturday you go trick-or-treating dressed as Death to remote, isolated houses occupied by elderly people living alone, because it’s a shame they miss out on all the fun.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sunday’s morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children wielding broomsticks. I know, again.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Thursday you finally call your mother. You’ve no idea why everyone was going on at you to do it for so long, it’s pretty shit.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Celebrity Aries include Richard Dawkins and Keira no, you are Richard sorry, Keira Kn no, you don’t get to opt out. No, it isn’t systematic, institutionalised abuse. Look, can you just fuck off for a minute?
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
On Monday, your loan presentation to run a gallery displaying amateur paintings of celebrities fails when you say the phrase ‘Fan naif art’ out loud for the first time.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news for your struggling small business this week as you benefit from £660,000 in government sax breaks. You get the solo from Jungleland, and sales are booming.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday you agree to a long-distance relationship after he gets the injunction extended to 500m from his home address.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Halloween you scare trick or treating kids by showing them your bank statement and how much of their wages as an adult will go on boring shit they won’t care about.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you’ll try to convince your work colleague that President Xi is called that because he’s China’s eleventh prime minister.