Family planning ridiculously over-supervised Halloween

A NICE family is going to ludicrous lengths to ensure Halloween is safe, healthy and educational.

Donna and Clive Sheridan plan to expand their children’s knowledge of ancient traditions while keeping them safe from threats including paedophiles and childhood obesity.

Teacher Donna said: “We’re allowing the children to go trick-or-treating on the condition that we go with them to enforce our agreed three-sweets-only limit.  

“There’s been a family meeting about costumes, during which it was decided that our teenage daughter will not be allowed to buy a ‘demon nurse’ outfit and will be going as a druid high priestess instead.

“We don’t want to contribute to the child obesity epidemic, so I’ve made a fruit platter for any trick-or-treaters who come to our house. I’m sure they’ll prefer a tasty lychee to horrible mass-produced milk chocolate.

“My husband Clive has been reading up on Halloween, so throughout the evening he will be sharing interesting facts with us, such as Halloween’s possible origins in the Gaelic festival of Samhain.”

Other preparations have included the purchase of safe, battery-powered Halloween lanterns and a rule that ‘tricks’ will be restricted to saying ‘Woo, woo, the ghosts will get you’ from the top of people’s driveways.

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We just sound depressed, insist Wolverhampton residents

PEOPLE from Wolverhampton have reassured everyone that they are perfectly happy despite their accents.

The city has been named the UK’s least prosperous place, mainly on the basis that everyone sounds pissed off.

Local resident Wayne Hayes said: “I was surprised because I told the researchers how much I loved Wolverhampton and how I had turned down job offers in London, Paris and Tokyo just to be there.

“In fact while I was with them I was told my wife had given birth to our first child. I told the researchers that I could never remember being so happy and that it was the best day of my life. 

“Looking back I did think it was strange when the interviewer started crying and told me it would all be okay. I do seem to get this problem, maybe that’s why I lost that job as a motivational speaker.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everyone we spoke to sounded like they had a cold.

“I tried to cheer them up by highlighting their city’s excellent facilities which include a 24 hour Asda.”