TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.
Officials say champion Alberto Contador tested positive for a banned substance, probably the result of his food being spiked by a dastardly cheat who hoped to then go and win the race himself.
Fingers were soon pointed at Thomas, the gap-toothed, upper class bounder, long recognised as one of England’s leading cads.
A spokesman said: “We zink Thomas would have invited Monsieur Contador to dinner before spiking his own meal with ze drugs and zen pulling ze old ‘switcheroo’.”
Contador won the race despite a series of setbacks, including signs pointing the wrong way, sleeping pills being crushed into his champagne and having to cycle over hundreds of drawing pins that had been ejected from a secret hatch in the back of Thomas’s car.
But Thomas insisted: “The very thought that I, an English gentleman, would dream of having dinner with some ghastly dago. It is the most unspeakable slander.
“I shouldn’t be at all surprised if ‘Senior Contadores’ had been interfered with by that chubby German fellow who was also in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
He added: “With your permission I should like to instruct my man, Perkins, to give him a bloody good thrashing.”
The food spiking controversy comes amid renewed calls for cycling to be phased out of the Tour de France as it is now easily the least interesting thing about it.
Thomas is the first cad to be expelled from the Tour since 2001 when Dick Dastardly and his canine assistant were thrown out for a trying to send Lance Armstrong over a cliff.
The Texan eventually won the race with the help of some midget gangsters.