Tour De France Bans Terry-Thomas

TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.

Officials say champion Alberto Contador tested positive for a banned substance, probably the result of his food being spiked by a dastardly cheat who hoped to then go and win the race himself.

Fingers were soon pointed at Thomas, the gap-toothed, upper class bounder, long recognised as one of England’s leading cads.

A spokesman said: “We zink Thomas would have invited Monsieur Contador to dinner before spiking his own meal with ze drugs and zen pulling ze old ‘switcheroo’.”

Contador won the race despite a series of setbacks, including signs pointing the wrong way, sleeping pills being crushed into his champagne and having to cycle over hundreds of drawing pins that had been ejected from a secret hatch in the back of Thomas’s car.

But Thomas insisted: “The very thought that I, an English gentleman, would dream of having dinner with some ghastly dago. It is the most unspeakable slander.

“I shouldn’t be at all surprised if ‘Senior Contadores’ had been interfered with by that chubby German fellow who was also in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

He added: “With your permission I should like to instruct my man, Perkins, to give him a bloody good thrashing.”

The food spiking controversy comes amid renewed calls for cycling to be phased out of the Tour de France as it is now easily the least interesting thing about it.

Thomas is the first cad to be expelled from the Tour since 2001 when Dick Dastardly and his canine assistant were thrown out for a trying to send Lance Armstrong over a cliff.

The Texan eventually won the race with the help of some midget gangsters.


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Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there’s X Factor, eh?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just thinking ahead to next week – if I told you to smash your balls between two house bricks, would you do it?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching The Truman Show, a frisson of dread courses through your veins as you put yourself in Jim Carrey’s position and imagine a national audience bored and sickened by your endless cycle of alcohol and masturbation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As your new flatmate unpacks their ukelele, Belle & Sebastian CDs and collection of charity shop cardigans, you make the very sensible decision to blow your own brains out.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round. But you have absolutely bastarded my couch.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! Also, can I borrow twenty quid ’til pay day?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Buy yourself something nice this week. You’ve earned it. Oh, you haven’t? What the hell, buy it anyway – it’s not as if there’s some God who’s judging you and everybody else is just an arsehole.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Piss-faced Swedish bitch.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A party game of truth or dare goes awry after you confess to your girlfriend that you once sent a Valentine’s card to your maths teacher and she confesses that she appears in an internet film featuring another girl and a cup.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Conversation round the dinner table could be difficult this Christmas, especially after your little brother finishes telling the family what it’s like being leader of the Labour Party. Maybe they’d be interested in your new cordless strimmer?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try setting a moral precedent by getting drunk and asking a pregnant woman on the bus to give up her seat on the basis that your self-inflicted condition also plays havoc with your bladder and makes standing up difficult?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It is generally accepted that the prevailing male hegemony still pervades the culture and politics of modern Britain. Now how’s about giving it a fucking rest for five minutes? There’s a good girl.