Trent Bridge wicket has 'miracle healing properties'

THE wicket at Trent Bridge can cure the sick, it has been claimed.

After England’s inexplicable display against Australia, fans are bringing ill relatives to Nottingham to rub their affected body parts against the sacred pitch.

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “Many of us are refusing to leave, fearing that if we do the spell will be broken.

“Therefore we have invited sickly friends and relatives to join us so that they may commune with the Holy Wicket of Broad and be healed.”

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, added: “I can handle a devastating display of bowling followed by a batting collapse, or somebody putting on a magisterial but ultimately futile century, but for both to happen on the same day means we have crossed into the realm of the supernatural.

“Look at this – I’ve tossed this coin 427 times since the match and it’s come up heads, but with a portrait of Joe Root, each time. What can it mean?”

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Windows 10 fails to get rid of depressing, slack-jawed face

USERS of the new Windows have complained about the ghostly, dead-eyed face that appears whenever the screen goes black. 

The so-called Deadface, which can appear on Windows phones, tablets or PCs, gapes expectantly at the user while being sickeningly free of any animation or life. 

Windows 10 promised to get rid of the Deadface, also reported on OS X, iOS and Android, but users are already complaining that the face is there and uglier than ever. 

Joanna Kramer of Ipswich said: “I updated to Windows 10 immediately because I wanted to get rid of that doughy, raisin-eyed halfwit face that haunts my dreams because it almost seems familiar. 

“But, much to my disappointment, it’s still there whenever I’m waiting for something to load and if anything it’s got fatter. 

“I want to punch it and never stop. I don’t know why I loathe it so.”

Reports of the Deadface vary in age, gender and race, but all observers agree it is offensively moronic and should stop its mindless staring and do something with its life.