Uefa banks on football fans being thick

TICKET prices for the Champion’s League final are fresh evidence that the people who run football think the fans might be a bit thick, it emerged last night.

Uefa is charging so-called ‘neutrals’ £176 to see the Wembley finale in what experts have described as one of the finest and most beautifully crafted licences to print money they have ever seen.

Wayne Hayes, a season ticket holder from Hatfield said: “Leave it aaaht. A hundred a seventy six nicker? You must think I’m some kind of fackin’ moron. Do you take Visa Electron?”

But Uefa insisted the pricing policy is in line with absolutely everything else to do with football.

A spokesman said: “A few years ago we, along with the national football associations of Western Europe, conducted a detailed study of our customer base and were delighted to discover they were all chimpanzees.

“We couldn’t have been happier if they had given us their pin numbers.

“Naturally, at that point, we decided to just charge whatever we felt like. We are now all very, very wealthy indeed.

“And it’s not just tickets. They will pay anything for anything. This piece of scratchy, highly inflammable Taiwanese nylon is £70.

“If you want a smaller one for your child that’ll be £80. And if you want one for a baby that’ll be a £1000.”

He added: “When it comes to preying on the feeble-minded it makes Scientology look all fiddly and complicated.”




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Archeologists uncover ancient responsible drinking posters

SCIENTISTS have found the earliest example of sour-faced meddling in a 15,000 year-old pub in Cheddar.

The cave, thought to be a Wetherspoons, features wall paintings depicting a stick man blowing into a pig’s bladder next to a four-stag pileup.

Carbon dating shows that they predate even the Lascaux campaign of a primitive figure engaged in various tasks like mammoth hunting whilst being shadowed by a child stick figure with oddly-bent limbs.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It seems that even before written language was born, mankind had developed a keen sense of ruining somebody else’s fun.

“I imagine that at the same moment the first primitive human created fire with his trembling hands, some hairy-knuckled prick sat next to him was whining on about his asthma and telling him to put it out.

“Living in the middle of an ice age with an average life expectancy of 28, it’s hard to imagine how our ancestors found any joy in life to suck out but I think the fact we’ve yet to find any ashtrays on the dig proves that they managed it.”

The Cheddar cave also held a vast array of human skulls designed for getting pissed, from adult heads used for drinking an early form of beer carried on a ‘booze walk’ across the land bridge to mainland Europe to newborn baby skulls for necking vodka jelly.

There were also novelty vessels, such as the deliberately-deformed skull that had been stretched into a yard of ale and one whose inscriptions seem to translate as ‘My forefathers went Lindisfarne and all I got was this lousy dismembodied head’.

But Brubaker said: “As much fun as a druid pissup in a cave may sound, we have found markings near the entrance that ask patrons not to take their skulls outside, to respect the neighbours in the next shit heap and reminding them that re-entry will not be permitted 10 minutes after the great fire god of the sky has gone to sleep.”