United fans enjoying novelty of detesting manager

FANS of Manchester United are delighted to be launching their first campaign to sack a manager in almost a quarter of a century.

The thrill of seeing their new team below Hull City in the league table has seen success-jaded supporters revitalised by the chance to make Moyes Out banners.

Fan Bill McKay said: “Over the years it feels like I’ve seen every club in the league run into the ground by comically incompetent managers while we sit on the sidelines waiting for our chance.

“I have to admit, I’d given up even hoping.

“But the buzz of seeing us outplayed by West Bromwich Albion in front of a wildly jeering crowd has made me think this could finally be our year. I can’t wait to tear up my season ticket.”

26-year-old Joanna Kramer said: “For as long as I can recall, United have languished at the top of the table.

“But under Moyes, we’re within touching distance of a relegation battle for the first time in decades. God, just imagine, next season our first away game could be with Yeovil Town.”

Fans are desperately trying to find a word for abject failure that rhymes with ‘Moyes’ before results improve.

United manager David Moyes said: “I was brought to this club to do a job, and the board have promised that I will be sacked once our place as a second-tier club is absolutely assured.

“But the fans have to be patient because that could be this season, next season or even the season after. These things take time.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Samantha Cameron calls off divorce

THE prime minister’s wife has halted divorce proceedings after realising she’d lose a sweet £200-a-year tax break.

Samantha Cameron, sick of the humiliation of being spouse to the country’s pinkest idiot, was set on ending the marriage before realising she’d lose a yearly sum almost equivalent to a bottom-of-the-range iPad Mini.

She told friends: “I had the papers all filled out, and under grounds for divorce I’d written ‘Husband is David fucking Cameron’.

“Clearly this was an absolutely watertight argument which no judge in the land could contest.

“But then I heard about this new tax break and whoa, £200 in ready cash in my back pocket just for staying hitched? And I get that every twelve months?

“Divorce over. Viscount Astor don’t raise no fools.”

The tax break is expected to make divorce virtually non-existent, as couples suffering irretrievable marital breakdown opt to stay together excitedly discussing how they’ll spend a nearly  quarter of a thousand pounds.

Samantha Cameron confirmed that, irrespective of her decision, her torrid extramarital affair with MP Eric Pickles will continue as passionately as ever.

She said: “Pickles completes me.”