United flail closer to not-losing title

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.

In a campaign that has seen massive errors ranging from Blackpool’s decision to treat defending as the equivalent of bribing a referee to Liverpool’s decision to start the season three weeks ago, United have consistently managed to avoid being eye-wateringly useless more often than anybody else.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “There’s still the possibility I could decide to sell all our players to a dog food factory but I don’t even think picking Owen for the last two games will be enough to completely Benitez this one down the cludgie.

“It’s been a long slog of getting beat by a Wolves side that look like a skip full of limbs and dragging Rooney away from challenging rows rows D to M to a bottle fight every five minutes.

“But the lads have been tremendous all season, in a brand new definition of that word I’ve just come up with that’s basically synonymous with the liquid you find in the bottom of your wheelie bin.”

If they continue their less-awful streak until the end of the season, United will be presented with the FA’s first Default Premiership Cup, a one-fifth size replica of the proper trophy made from cardboard covered in tinfoil.

The record books will also reflect the mediocrity of their achievement by listing them as having won 18.3 titles, using the same scale that calculates SPL titles as being equivalent to .15 real league titles.

Meanwhile, Avram Grant has reaffirmed his conviction that if West Ham continue to play so badly they will somehow slingshot around the sun and wind up topping the league.



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Giggs leaves wife for Hugh Bonneville

GENTLEMAN footballer Ryan Giggs has left his wife for softly-spoken Downton Abbey star Hugh Bonneville.

The two men are to set up home together after apologising profusely to their wives and agents.

The couple first met earlier this year at the High Court in London for reasons that are illegal.

A friend said: “It was electric. They immediately found a broom cupboard and took each other’s pants off.

“They were making an enormous amount of noise and eventually a security guard was posted outside the cupboard.

“Whenever anyone asked him he just said ‘I’m afraid this is now a super-cupboard, so all I can tell you is that it’s a famous footballer and a famous actor going at it like a pair of famous rabbits’.”

Since then Giggs and Bonneville have been meeting in a secret hotel cupboard for love sessions before Hugh goes to work.

The friend added: “I think it helps Hugh get into character. Apparently the Earl of Grantham had an affair with WG Grace.

“Oh no, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

Meanwhile, Jemima Khan last night denied claims she had been in a cupboard with Jeremy Clarkson, as if she needed to.

Khan said: “Look at me. Look at him. Are we done?”

Media lawyer Nathan Muir said the use of super-cupboards would now have to be reviewed leading to either thicker doors, windows in the existing doors or famous people not having sexual intercourse in a cupboard in the middle of the day.

He added: “The big question is will it apply to the cupboard where Fred Goodwin keeps a piece of paper with ‘Fred Goodwin is a banker’ written on it?”