Warren to launch pay-per-view press conferences

FRANK Warren is to charge home audiences £12 for all future boxing interviews, he has confirmed.

As the Chisora/Haye brawl rumbles on, with the two fighters currently swinging furniture on the German/Czech border, boxing uber-spiv Warren has declared that all future interviews with confused-sounding hulks will be held in auditoriums full of drunk gangsters.

Warren said: “People got to see more decent punches  thrown last night than in the last ten British boxers’ fights combined, without me making any money out of it. That’s going to change.

“If the future of British boxing doesn’t include anybody that can stay upright in a ring for longer than three minutes, then at least we can train some really world-class chair-throwers.”

A specially-built ‘combat press centre’ is being constructed in Warren’s Basildon-based boxing factory to ensure that every slight against an opponent’s parentage and every clumsy scuffle can be fully appreciated by a paying crowd.

The centre will accommodate two full entourages for boxers, as well as up to eighty press photographers to take photos of the ensuing melee so people with no interest in boxing can have an opinion on whether they should be allowed to call each other pussies while in a mutual headlock.

ESPN and Sky have declined the broadcast rights for future events but the BBC is dropping its lacrosse coverage to pay for the next twelve months’ worth of bulky men in suits flailing at each other.

Warren said: “All we need is a new term for this part of the sport. We can hardly it the ‘sweet science’ or ‘the noble art’ but I think ‘glorious gobshitery’ might fit the bill.”



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Patrick Bateman 'devastated' by Whitney Houston funeral

51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.

A self-confessed ‘superfan’, Bateman’s face was an emotionless mask during the singer’s funeral, although he was later seen dancing to some of her greatest hits while wearing headphones and a Sony Discman. 

The trader for Wall Street firm Pierce and Pierce used his innate charm to inveigle his way into the ceremony, although two security guards have since been declared missing.

Bateman said:  “Whitney’s 1986 debut album, called simply Whitney Houston, was a seminal moment in the evolution of pop, soul, and mainstream adult-oriented dance music.

“It’s hard to choose a favourite among so many great tracks. It was also the perfect accompaniment to slicing off a prostitute’s fingers one by one with a high-end kitchen appliance.

“In theory, anyway.”

He continued: “She was as much a part of the 80s as the Filofax, Michael Douglas, ‘hard-bodied’ girls with heavily-processed hair and using a nailgun to kill a hobo then taking severed body parts to the gym.

“Sorry, did I say that out loud? I’m on a lot of medication”

Bateman added: “But it could have been worse. At least Huey Lewis is still with us.”