New anti-virus software 'deadliest yet'

THE latest batch of anti-virus software will break your computer even more thoroughly than previous versions, experts have warned.

Computer users have been told to look out for the software, which commonly appears in large shiny boxes sold at high street electronic retailers.

IT analyst Tom Logan said: “Anti-virus software works by being generally fucking annoying.

“Typically it slows down the user’s computer to the extent that the enraged individual is left with no choice but to smash his hard drive really hard against the wall in a bout of Hulk-like rage.

“Another common anti-virus trick is to demand large sums of money on an annual basis, simply so that it can continue ruining your life.”

The technology industry has reported a slew of new, patience-resistant anti-virus software including Mcafee Fuckshield and Semantec Box of Toss 2012.

Tom Logan said: “This new breed of software knows no boundaries when it comes to messing with the consumer’s head.

“The installation process itself takes around 19 days. When this inevitably goes wrong, the user discovers that the support helpline number is not on the box, but can only be found engraved under the wing of a rare Patagonian hawk.

“Thus begins a demented quest for closure that ends with the consumer naked in a forest, eating his own arm.”

Anti-virus software, which mostly affects PCs, was first developed in 1983
by shadowy, round-shouldered social misfits with a grudge against humanity.



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Beard disposal experts cordon off David Mitchell

A MILITARY facial hair disposal team has sealed off Peep Show star David Mitchell in a tense bid to remove his beard.

Khaki-clad army beard removers swooped on Mitchell in the early hours of yesterday morning after luring him into a deserted West London mews with some witty badinage and the promise of a new Peter Ackroyd book about the 18th century rum trade.

Operatives have sealed the actor and his beard behind a protective barrier, and are now working with remote-controlled robots to remove the toxic facial hair that has transformed the actor’s amiable visage into that of a demented insect-eating hermit who bites women.

Sergeant Tom Logan, an expert in high-stakes shaving whose career was documented in feature film The Hair Locker, said: “Mitchell’s beard is particularly dangerous in that it is simultaneously thick and patchy, with virtually unlimited potential for chafing.

“It is connected to his torso by a complex series of hairs running all the way up from his chest.

“One wrong move could turn it into a goatee.”

Facial hair analyst Nikki Hollis believes Mitchell’s beard could be worse even than Joaquin Phoenix’s notorious ‘death bush’.

She said: “Let me be clear, I like David Mitchell. Television needs another clever person who isn’t Stephen Fry.

“But while every beard attracts a certain amount of criticism this one is wrong on a quantum level.”

 She added: “Apparently it made a Stoke woman granite during 10 O’Clock Live, like a hair medusa.”