New anti-virus software ‘deadliest yet’

THE latest batch of anti-virus software will break your computer even more thoroughly than previous versions, experts have warned.

The installation process affected this 24-year-old's health

Computer users have been told to look out for the software, which commonly appears in large shiny boxes sold at high street electronic retailers.

IT analyst Tom Logan said: “Anti-virus software works by being generally fucking annoying.

“Typically it slows down the user’s computer to the extent that the enraged individual is left with no choice but to smash his hard drive really hard against the wall in a bout of Hulk-like rage.

“Another common anti-virus trick is to demand large sums of money on an annual basis, simply so that it can continue ruining your life.”

The technology industry has reported a slew of new, patience-resistant anti-virus software including Mcafee Fuckshield and Semantec Box of Toss 2012.

Tom Logan said: “This new breed of software knows no boundaries when it comes to messing with the consumer’s head.

“The installation process itself takes around 19 days. When this inevitably goes wrong, the user discovers that the support helpline number is not on the box, but can only be found engraved under the wing of a rare Patagonian hawk.

“Thus begins a demented quest for closure that ends with the consumer naked in a forest, eating his own arm.”

Anti-virus software, which mostly affects PCs, was first developed in 1983
by shadowy, round-shouldered social misfits with a grudge against humanity.