Wayne Rooney's Wine Cellar A Poof, Say City Fans

THE wine cellar of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney is such a total poof, according to rival supporters.

Manchester City fans have ridiculed the England superstar's collection saying it is bland, predictable and filled with 'New World rubbish'.

Wayne Hayes, editor of manchestercitywinelovers.com, said: "Can he tell the difference between a Shiraz and a Grenache? Would he prefer an '83 or an '85 Bordeaux? And why is he such an ugly Scouse twat?

"Darius Vassell has a shed full of ripe, meaty Burgundies and robust whites from the Loire valley, while Dietmar Hamann is an expert in Reisling and Gewurztraminer. And anyone who says different will get kicked squarely in the nuts."

Rooney began collecting wine after his fiancee Coleen McLoughlin returned from a very nice weekend at a Marriott Hotel in the Lake District.

According to friends, Rooney likes to unwind with a glass of Chilean Cabernet. He is also a fan of New Zealand whites and has been known to rub a bottle of Cloudy Bay into a recurring groin injury.

Hayes added: "Rolando Bianchi spent his childhood in the hills above Bergamo, helping out on his uncle's vineyard and acquiring a palate that makes Wayne Rooney look like a fat prick."

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Cameron Hires Aitken As Dishonesty Coach

TORY leader David Cameron has enlisted one of the party's most senior ex-convicts in his bid to become a more effective liar.

Cameron will be coached two days a month by former defence minister Jonathan Aitken, who was jailed for perjury after claiming he was trying to buy back his daughters from the Saudi Royal Family.

Aitken, now a respected international liar, will use many of his famous techniques including 'False Indignation', 'How to Exploit Your Wife' and 'Big Lies – Huge Rewards'.

Aitken said: "My time in prison allowed me to think very deeply about the nature of lying and how one day I could hope to perfect it.

"I met criminals who would lie for absolutely no reason. I learned a great deal from these men.

"Political lying has become much more professional since 1997. Mandelson, Campbell, Blair and Brown reshaped the dishonesty landscape and in recent years Conservative liars have begun to look rather amateur.

"I want David Cameron to tell the most enormous lies. I want each and every word to be a masterclass in deceit."

He added: "There's no point lying for money or to protect your reputation. You should lie because you want to lie."

When Aitken is not coaching politicians he tours the country giving lectures about how Jesus loved money and guns.