World would be better place if we all watched snooker

LIFE on earth would be less violent if everyone just sat down and watched the snooker, it has emerged.

Snooker, which was briefly popular in the 80s when there was nothing else on, is now thought to hold the key to the world living in peaceful harmony.

Geopolitics expert Dr Julian Cook said: “I was reading a report about Boko Haram when a thought glided uninvited into my consciousness: ‘Fuck this. I’m watching the snooker.’

“And as Rocket Ronnie painstakingly eked out a win over Ricky Walden to reach the quarter-finals of the Masters, those calm, clicking red balls imparted to me a secret of the cosmos.

“Why do nations go to war? Because they’re not watching the snooker. Why do religious extremists kill and maim? Not watching the snooker.

“Why do we run ourselves ragged in the rat race in the name of the false paradise of consumerism? Snooker, not watching, as previous.

“Much as we trusted them, Chas & Dave’s Snooker Loopy couldn’t have been more wrong. Snooker makes mankind sane.”


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White supremacist struggling to draw swastikas

AN ILLITERATE white supremacist still believes in his genetic superiority even though he is unable to correctly draw a swastika.

Tom Logan of Peterborough carved the symbol on a toilet door with a Stanley knife yesterday, but once again managed to reverse it into the Buddhist symbol for the glorious inevitability of creation.

Logan said: “I got into far-right politics when I lost my job and my girlfriend left me, I assume because of Asians and the powerful Jewish lobby respectively.

“But I don’t hold pens much and keep fucking it up by drawing it backwards or doing too many lines so it looks like a star, and I can’t spell Hitler’s name the same way twice.

“Maybe that’s why all the other Nazis round here have got tattoos, so they can just copy.”

Logan’s former teacher Stephen Malley said: “I’m hardly surprised. When he used to carve NF on school desks it always ended up looking more like the Van Halen logo.”