Yorkshire Tour de France to allow old men in bathtubs

THE two Yorkshire stages of the Tour de France will include the county’s pensioners in homemade comedy vehicles.

Roughly a third of Yorkshire’s population are affable pensioners who accidentally travel using baths, desks, and Bessemer converters which have been repurposed as vehicles.

A spokesman for Visit Yorkshire said: “You can’t visit God’s Own County without witnessing a cloth cap-clad 76-year-old crashing a makeshift gyrocopter into a river, and we’re delighted the Tour is honouring that tradition.

“Old men enjoying second childhoods should begin their contraptions now, in good time for them to lurch unexpectedly into life, taking them through the Tour and into a hedge to the mournful sound of a trombone.”

Already entered into the Yorkshire legs of the Tour de France, officially called T’Tour, are a mine cart, a double-decker wheelchair, a tractor-tyre unicycle, a grandfather clock rocket sled and a Robin Reliant.

Tour director Christian Prudhomme said: “We are keen to recognise local traditions in the Tour, even if they are very, very stupid.

“Though none of these entrants will be allowed to take part in the subsequent Cambridge to London stage. This is a serious event, and for that section all the cyclists must be riding the regulation Sinclair C5.”

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Prince George rejects Christianity

THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.

The infant was left bitter and angry after being dressed up like a tiny old lady and baptised against his wishes.

Desperately flailing his plump limbs, the future king said: “Get…off…me…I have no interest in your strange, outmoded belief system!”

He continued: “At this age I just want to lie on my back smiling at brightly coloured plastic objects. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

“I should at least be at the stage of changing my own underwear before choosing a spiritual path.

“However if it was up to me – which clearly it isn’t – I’d probably choose to worship the egyptian gods, particularly Horus.

“He’s a super-muscly guy with a bird’s head. That’s the sort of tangible superhero god a young boy can relate to.

“I can also see myself getting into tarots, crystals and occultism. Who knows, maybe I could be the next Aleister Crowley?

“Anyway I hope you all had a nice time today. I’m soaking wet now, and thoroughly pissed off.”