You should hear me when I stub my f**king toe, says Kim Sears

ANDY Murray’s fiancee has dismissed her expletive-filled tirade against his Australian Open semi-final opponent as nothing compared to when she steps in catshit.

Kim Sears, who according to lipreaders swore twice at Tomas Berdych, giggled coyly as she admitted that two fucks in a single sentence was extraordinarily restrained for her.

She continued: “I’ve met Berdych socially, and ‘flash Czech fuck’ is actually the friendly nickname that I use to the slab-faced ginger tosspot’s face. I call him much worse behind closed doors.

“I find swearing like a docker with Tourette’s calms me down, which I need because I have to  watch the motherfucking tennis day in day out. It’s a bastard.”

Murray agreed: “The printer wouldn’t work the other week even though it was a new ink cartridge, and the neighbours thought I had hardcore gangster rap at full volume.

“Though she saves her choicest invective for our intimate times.”

 

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Cat returns from dead in heartwarming spine-chilling story

A CAT has clawed its way out of a shallow grave and returned home to terrify its delighted owner.

Killed in a hit-and-run accident, the cat is thought to have returned to the mortal plane because it had unfinished business with the living.

Owner Tom Booker said: “I couldn’t believe it when I saw his mangled face and unseeing eye glinting outside the kitchen door, his teeth bared in a familiar smile of pure evil.

“‘He can’t be back,’ I found myself saying. ‘He was dead, stone dead. Please no. Please let this be a nightmare.’

“But then he walked in, his single green eye gazing balefully at me, his paws still covered with grave dirt as I backed into the corner, screaming and soiling myself with joy.

“It’s just like in my favourite story from when I was a kid, Stephen King’s Pet Semetary. As I recall that did not end well.”

The story of the miracle zombie cat that shambles the earth seeking vengeance has touched the hearts of thousands of people now afraid to leave the house after dark.

A spokesman for the RSPCA said: “Before you bury a dead cat, make sure to hammer a stake through its heart and stuff its mouth with fresh garlic.”