Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

The company had previously issued a masterfully passive-aggressive statement reminding loyalty card holders to buy a lovely cake if they wanted to linger with their complimentary coffee, which everyone ignored.

A Waitrose spokesman said: “Jesus Christ. It’s a coffee machine, not a metal teat.

“We thought you were reasonable people with nice cul-de-sac homes and an innate sense of decency. But no, you are a tick-like bunch of parasites, bloated on milk and caffeine that we paid for.

“Scum is a strong word but also an appropriate one for you people.

“This is not your second home, it is a supermarket. Drink your drinks and begone. You may stay for eight minutes’ max or we kick them out of your hands.

“If you want somewhere to sit all day wallowing in your own self-loathing we can point you to the nearest Wetherspoon.”

He added: “We created a beautiful supermarket and you have sullied it. It’s like Adam and Eve, except with a latte instead of an apple.

“Anyway it’s all ruined now. We’re locking the doors and all the nice things shall rot inside.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Desperate media offers to go halfsies on any transfer fee

INCREASINGLY panicky sports editors have offered to stump up half the cost of any January football transfer deal.

Tom Booker of the Daily Mail said: “A few years ago, there were so many January transfers we were still reporting them in March. But now, I would literally pay somebody to take a chance on Yevhen Konoplyanka.

“Chelsea are stalling on Juan Cuadrado, so we’ve offered to go two’s up. If Paris Saint-Germain want Adnan Januzaj on loan, we’ll pay the first three months.

“Just please, please give us more than Chris Herd from Aston Villa to Wigan on a free.”

Daily Express reporter Bill McKay said: “I’ve been camped outside Hull City’s training ground since New Year’s Eve, and the only completed deal I’ve seen is a bunch of teenagers smoking Bensons.

McKay added: “Must run, I’ve just heard a rumour that Obafemi Martins has been spotted in Argos looking at rugs.”