Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

The company had previously issued a masterfully passive-aggressive statement reminding loyalty card holders to buy a lovely cake if they wanted to linger with their complimentary coffee, which everyone ignored.

A Waitrose spokesman said: “Jesus Christ. It’s a coffee machine, not a metal teat.

“We thought you were reasonable people with nice cul-de-sac homes and an innate sense of decency. But no, you are a tick-like bunch of parasites, bloated on milk and caffeine that we paid for.

“Scum is a strong word but also an appropriate one for you people.

“This is not your second home, it is a supermarket. Drink your drinks and begone. You may stay for eight minutes’ max or we kick them out of your hands.

“If you want somewhere to sit all day wallowing in your own self-loathing we can point you to the nearest Wetherspoon.”

He added: “We created a beautiful supermarket and you have sullied it. It’s like Adam and Eve, except with a latte instead of an apple.

“Anyway it’s all ruined now. We’re locking the doors and all the nice things shall rot inside.”