VAR system to be brought in to eliminate VAR errors

A NEW VAR system to correct bad VAR decisions is to be introduced in a bid to eliminate human error from football once and for all.

Officials have confirmed that there will be Video Assistant Referees watching decisions made by Video Assistant Referees who are watching decisions of on-field referees.

FA spokesperson Tom Logan said: “The idea of VAR was to ensure objective truth and put an end to all controversy in football.

“But somehow this hasn’t happened, and we currently have a system that has sucked the joy and spontaneity out of any goal celebration, while being just as error-prone as the bad old days. It’s clear there is only one solution: more VAR.

“Putting up with incredibly lengthy delays while we review every single VAR decision is a price worth paying as our extra tier of scrutiny will ensure the accuracy of marginal factors in offside decisions such as eyelash length.

“Of course, this new VAR system will be run by humans, and therefore not completely infallible, which is why we are developing a new generation of robot analysts to replace them.

“Yes, these robots might develop self-awareness and destroy humanity, but this is a price worth paying to ensure that Marcus Rashford’s nose was definitely onside in the build-up to a goal.”

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Ant-Man, and eight other superheroes it is impossible to give a f**k about

A NEW Ant-Man film is out this weekend, which will only be watched because it is part of a series and February. Nobody cares about him or these losers:


A female Hulk, except not a wild, destructive force of rage but chatty, fun and a lawyer, in an epic case of missing the point.


Batman needs a child sidekick wearing bright colours like a black-clad special ops team needs a troupe of clowns throwing pies.


An evil black-suited Spider-Man only suited to battling Spider-Man, which he is currently unable to do for contractual reasons, so is therefore shit-useless.

Captain Britain

Our equivalent to Captain America is an aristocrat given superpowers by Merlin at Stonehenge, an origin so witlessly based on ignorant American views of our country it’s surprising he doesn’t drive a London bus with a thatched roof.

Swamp Thing

Big mossy dude who hangs around in swamps, where there is historically very little crime except illegal fishing. Talks and thinks as slowly as a tree would and is as fantastically entertaining.

Various Iron Men

The original was fine. Nobody needs a legion of knock-offs in knock-off armour. We’re not far away from a Classic Iron Men show held on a bank holiday, with fussy middle-aged men proud of how few miles are on their 2006 Iron Man armour they polish in the garage.


Has the powers of Superman with the added ability to tell you what any song is within a few bars. Used to be called Captain Marvel but his powers didn’t include immunity to copyright lawsuits.


Blind Batman who defends Hell’s Kitchen in New York, a small, peaceable area of Manhattan home to the Actors Studio and many fancy restaurants, in a classic case of accepting your limitations.


Shrinks. Commands ants. Beat his wife up in the comics. Starring in his third film this weekend in a triumph for creative bankruptcy.