Woman to spend all day cleaning up her own hair

A WOMAN doing a quick clean will spend 90 per cent of the time clearing large clumps of her own knotted hair.

Lucy Parry is emotionally readying herself for the thankless task of wiping and hoovering up her many shedded hairs, as well as picking them up individually when the sheer volume causes her hoover to break down.

Parry said: “It’s a long and horrible process to eradicate it all. First I’ll tackle the mysterious little nests that appear in the corners of carpeted rooms, as if I live with a flock of tiny, invisible birds.

“Then there are the ones on the walls of the shower room, which defy being removed with a quick swipe of a wet cloth and have to be tortuously plucked off one-by-one.

“And finally there is the horror of the shower trap, which I know is clogged up to f**k with slimy, tangled old hair as it hasn’t drained properly for six months. It’ll be like a John Carpenter film in there, but with an even more hideous monster.”

Parry’s partner Josh Hudson said: “How can a woman constantly lose such a huge volume of hair and not be completely bald?

“They say being part of the patriarchy is good but I’d swap it in a second to not have a thin patch that gets bigger every time I look in the mirror.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Seaside towns in winter: A visitor's guide to a bleak day out

FANCY a trip to the seaside to blow the cobwebs away? Here are some tips for a cold and miserable day out:

Don’t leave too early

The weak winter sun won’t manage to illuminate the world properly until at least 10am, so there’s no point in leaving early. Don’t risk public transport as the train will most likely be cancelled and the bus routes have all been slashed. Driving is preferable, as parking spaces will be the only thing in plentiful supply during your visit.

Dress appropriately

Don’t bother harbouring any fantasies that the sun will be warm enough for you to sit on the beach for a while. It will be f**king freezing, blowing a gale and, even if the clouds do break long enough for you to stop and admire the view, a seagull will immediately shit on your head. Head-to-toe waterproofs are vital.

Do zero research

Don’t bother checking if any local attractions or amenities are open before you set off, or you won’t go. The water park is only open during August, the beach donkeys have got frostbite and the museum of local curiosities is now a McDonald’s. The only thing open is the amusement arcade, where you will feed 30 quids’ worth of 2ps into the coin pusher machine while quietly weeping.

Sample the local cuisine

An essential part of a day out at a British seaside town is sampling the local food, which means eating chips for every meal. If you’re lucky, the place you choose will have a reputation for culinary excellence and you’ll be offered a slop of curry sauce on top, as well as enough salt and vinegar to give you instant heartburn. Top your dinner off with a stick of rock, which will break a filling as well as making you feel sick. Bon appétit!

Purchase a souvenir

Buy a keepsake from one of the seafront tat emporiums, like a fridge magnet or tea towel, to remind you of the exhausting efforts you’ve made to produce a smile for numerous selfies. But, because you didn’t notice the tiny sign outlining the restrictions, the most memorable souvenir you will have of this wasted day is a 60 quid parking ticket.