Freak actually follows through on only staying for one pint

A MAN who claimed he was only staying out for one pint has disturbed and frightened his friends by sticking to his promise.

Joe Turner was adamant he could only have a single drink as he wanted an early night, which his mates assumed meant he would still be knocking back tequila shots with them at midnight.

Emma Bradford said: “We all know that ‘staying for one’ is something you say when you know you’re up for a big session but you don’t want everyone to think you’re a massive pisshead.

“I was fully expecting Joe to be boozing with us until we got chucked out at closing time, and then come back to mine for a couple of bottles of wine and a spliff, but he calmly drank his pint and then left.

“We know he did Dry January, but we’re shocked that things have gone this far. Perhaps it’s some kind of unpleasant lingering symptom of a month of sobriety?

“There was even some suspicion that his pint might have been non-alcoholic. But, honestly, I don’t want to consider that right now. It would be too much of a betrayal.”

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Six half-term activities to f**k your parents right off by abandoning halfway through

OFF school? Leveraging guilt to get your parents off their phones? These family activities will amuse you for ten minutes and occupy them for hours:

Build a toy

A well-meaning aunt got you a replica siege engine at Christmas, with 86 parts to be meticulously assembled, and you imply to Dad that your childhood is slipping away unnoticed and you should really build it together. You’re off on Minecraft before he’s even pressed out the parts.

Bake a cake

‘I love your cakes, Mum,’ you say, guilelessly, ‘can we make one together?’ What mother could refuse? You’re there for the assembling of the ingredients and the cracking of the eggs, but mixing’s dull so you flee to TikTok. Mum knows how to make cakes, she’ll be fine. You’ll come back when it’s finished.

Do a jigsaw

Skip the preamble and empty the jigsaw on the table. Begin putting edges and corners together in the approved manner and wait for your parents to join in, imagining hours of quiet calm together. Piss off after 20 minutes but insist the jigsaw stay on the table all week, because you’ve not done it yet.

Get crafty

Your parents wouldn’t stifle your creative soul, would they? So when you want to get the clay out, and the paints out, and the glitter and crafts out, they can’t argue. You make half of something from clay, cry because it’s not what you imagined, refuse all offers of help, slather it in sparkly bits and blame its failure on them. Clean up? After that?

Do a brilliant job on homework

Your history teacher’s invited everyone to create their own chronicle of the Middle Ages, and you decide that for once you’re going to try really hard. Mum, who did history at A-level, sits down to join in and sketch out a timeline. All her dates really take the fun out of it. You’ll eventually hand in what she did with six final lines added on the bus to school.

Play Monopoly

Mum’s always on about ‘never doing anything together as a family’ so, responsive to her needs, you turn up with Monopoly and set the board up, ready to play. After 20 minutes you look likely to lose and storm off furious. Dad looks likely to win so won’t let it go. The battleground of the board remains in place until next Sunday evening.