Wales vs England like brothers fighting over bunk-beds

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed. 

All other World Cup countries are politely going along with assertions this evening’s clash is of great significance rather than an embarrassing scuffle between a pair of inbred pricks who should know better.

French fan Jacques Moulin said: “Obviously England is the big brother, and the bully, and the one who believes he is the big man though his arse is often handed to him.

“But it is hard to find much sympathy for Wales either, because they are so whiny and nothing is ever fair and it’s not their fault they only have one player who has spent four years not playing football.

“When you start your pathetic fight, rolling on the floor and scratching and settling old grudges, we do not care who wins. We only feel ashamed to witness the unedifying spectacle.

“When it has finished and one of you wins and gets the top bunk and the other one kicks from below and the light is turned out, the talk is not of how well the winner did. It is wishing you both grow the f**k up.”

England fan Nathan Muir said: “Yeah but Wales bugs me so.”

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19 ways to defend your 2016 Brexit vote in this current moment

WAS your vote for Brexit the best thing ever in 2016, but now you’re broke, hungry and immigration’s higher than ever? Here’s why it’s still great: 

Sovereignty. Of course I’d heard of it before Brexit. Not a day would go by without me saying to the wife, ‘Ooh, I could really do with more sovereignty, love.’

It was a protest by the ‘left behind’. We didn’t know Michel Barnier wasn’t personally responsible for turning the high street into vape shops.

We were stealing skilled people from countries that need them. Sure, I’m fine to have a Pole deliver my Amazon order, but what about housewives in Warsaw waiting two weeks for a duvet? I don’t want that on my conscience.

Farage and Johnson lied to us. Like any normal person, I believe everything anyone says is literally true, which gets confusing watching Lord of the Rings.

I care about our fishing industry. There’s something quintessentially British about dredging up slimy, dead-eyed fish by the millions in freezing sleet. Let’s not lose this magical way of life.

The night before the vote I dreamt I saw a huge Union Jack fluttering in the distance. Admittedly a Dalek Fay Ripley was selling me a glass rabbit hutch so I was distracted, but it was still a sign.

It’s racist that only EU nations had freedom of movement. Now we’re open to immigration from around the world, arriving on Kent beaches in boats.

The NHS desperately needed money. I’ve never voted for Labour who always give the NHS money, but let’s skip over that.

We must never forget our war dead. Do we want the sacrifices of Sharpe’s Rifles to be in vain?

Camembert is clearly off and stinks your fridge out. I wasn’t prepared to let French cheesemongers sell us their substandard products.

We had to get rid of EU red tape. I can’t give any specific example of red tape I found encumbering, because there are so many they make my brain seize up.

I’m not being conscripted into the EU army. It might seem as remote a chance as being sent to fight arachnids on Klendathu, but regardless.

British jobs for British people. Millions of Brits have been denied getting up at 4am to work a shift picking Brussels sprouts before going to their main job.

I voted Leave for the young. They go to Europe, enjoy cheap public transport and affordable rent, then come back here and it’s shit. It’s not fair to give them unrealistic expectations.

EU workers were coming here, speaking English and losing their indigenous culture. It would be a cultural tragedy if no one spoke Polish, Estonian or Slovish.

We’re a buccaneering nation and we need to get back to that. By which I mean piracy. Let’s make Atlantic freight terrified of us again.

Someone said I should vote for Brexit on Facebook. And at that point in 2016 Facebook was widely accepted as entirely factual, unlike Gary Lineker’s BBC.

On the day of the referendum Brexit extremists strapped a bomb to me and threatened to detonate it if I didn’t vote Leave. That really happened. It was more common than people realise.

It definitely wasn’t because I’m racist, alright? Put that down on your form. Write ‘not racism’.