Cool guy referring to his minimum-wage job as a 'gig'

A COOL man is describing his minimum-wage, zero-hours contract job using a word employed by rock stars, he has confirmed.

Deliveroo rider James Bates, aged 24, calls his job of delivering Wagamama orders a ‘gig’ because in his mind it is just as impressive as Foo Fighters headlining Wembley.

He said: “Every day I strap on my gear, take to the road and give the people what they want. I’m practically Hendrix, but without all the fame, fortune, adoring fans or guitar.

“The cycle lane is my stage, other motorists are my hecklers, and feedback from my customers is my Greil Marcus review in Rolling Stone. Groupies? Give it time.

“Bruce Springsteen must daydream of chucking it all in to be an authentic working man like me. He’s doing the same tired old songs every night while I’m developing incredible thigh muscles.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “I was so pleased for James when he said he had a fantastic gig lined up, I didn’t know he was musical, funny or talented in any way.

“There was an awkward silence when said ‘glad you’re not still going for that shitty Deliveroo job’ but I think I walked it back okay.”

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Woman torn over whether boyfriend's proposal with grandmother's wedding ring is beautiful or tight-fisted

A WOMAN whose boyfriend proposed with his grandmother’s wedding ring is unsure whether it is a heart-warming gesture or plain f**king stingy.

Lauren Hewitt’s delight when Oliver O’Connor got down on one knee swiftly turned into complicated mental gymnastics about his decision to use free, pre-existing jewellery.

She said: “It’s a lovely sentiment, offering me a treasured heirloom, and shows I’m being welcomed into the family. Either that or he is one cheap bastard.

“Do we really need to keep buying more and more material goods when sentimentally powerful options are there? But would it have killed him to blow a couple of grand on something I’ll be wearing for life?

“It’s not William proposing to Kate with a sapphire ring surrounded by diamonds. It’s from the 1950s and frankly looks it. However if I say that I’m a heartless grabbing bitch who only cares about sparkly rocks and money.

“I can see both sides, and either way it seems to be me who’s the twat. Perhaps the best way out is to not marry him.”

O’Connor said: “Lauren’s assumed the ring was passed down after my granny and grandad had spent a lifetime in love. Actually they got divorced after six years and she moved to Benidorm.”