'No! Not the charitable status of private schools!' say terrified Red Wall voters

RED Wall voters are rallying to the Tories after learning of Labour’s class war plan to strip charitable status from their beloved private schools. 

After being warned of the diabolical, aspiration-punishing plan by their friend the Daily Mail on two consecutive front pages, voters in Hartlepool, Stoke-on-Trent and Bassetlaw have agreed they cannot vote against their own interests.

Stephen Malley, a warehouse picker from Mansfield, said: “I admit I’d considered backing Labour because of inflation, energy bills, the recession and Partygate. But now? No way.

“I’ve always dreamed that one day, if we continue our rise through society, my great-great-great-grandson would one day go to a minor public school. But without 20 per cent VAT relief how would that be possible?

“The rules say as charities they have to generate ‘a meaningful amount of public benefit’. Well that’s Eton to a tee. Without alumni like David Cameron, Boris Johnson and Kwasi Kwarteng where would this country be?

“The Mail’s right to launch this crusade on what really matters. It’s a smack in the teeth for people round here. It’s all Wetherspoons is talking about.”

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Oh, and if we win you have to drop the language, England tells Wales

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue. 

England have decided to raise the stakes in the much-anticipated group game between the two UK sides to give Wales a bit of extra motivation to pull out the stops and go for it.

England captain Harry Kane said: “One of the lads came up with the idea and we thought, why not? Give it a bit of extra oomph.

“We ran it past the government and they explained they ‘couldn’t give a f**k about Wales’ so I called up Gareth Bale and told them they’re not just playing for qualification but for the future of the Welsh language and by extension the nation.

“He was so angry he was spluttering down the phone, though come to think of it that may have been Welsh, but we’re hoping it’ll put a rocket up them and make a game of it.

“They’ll have to beat us by four clear goals so the odds are very much against it, but what a moment for the nation if they win, eh? It’d make previous achievements like Tom Jones taking It’s Not Unusual to number one look like nothing.

“Will we have to speak Welsh if they do? Don’t be ridiculous. But we’ll magnanimously allow them to carry on speaking it if we’re not around.”