A PAIR of unmoving, sexless lumps buried beneath multiple layers of blankets and clothing were once man and wife, it is believed.
The heaps, which never move apart from to involuntarily shiver, are thought to have been couple Joseph and Marie Turner as recently as October.
Archaologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “At first we assumed these two inanimate accretions of blankets, coverlets, hoodies and fleece-lined slippers had formed naturally.
“But then further scans revealed that, impossible to tell as it was from their unmoving surfaces, these heaps were once alive and human.
“Indeed we believe, based on the television before them cycling through various unappealing options on Netflix, that deep down inside there remains a spark of consciousness and a remote control.
“They no longer have any of the attributes we would associate with human. They no longer have any awareness of each other’s existence. The cold has taken it all away.”
He added: “It is possible they could be returned to a state recognisable as human by the application of warmth. But we can’t afford to put the heating on. This is a three-bed house.”
