Woman resolute in belief it's not Christmas yet

A WOMAN has vowed not to waver in her belief that it is not Christmas until Thursday at the very earliest. 

Emma Bradford of Northwich is refusing to acknowledge that the festive season is upon us until the first of December even while her office is bedecked in tinsel and sleigh bells jingle in every song.

She said: “It isn’t that time yet and you can’t make it be. Against the Yuletide I stand firm.

“Come on. There’s a whole month of the bastard coming up. I promise that when the time comes I’ll accept my fate, but let me have these last three days of normality.

“It’s not like there’s anything happening. None of the films are on, Santa’s still chilling at the North Pole, there’s no snow falling, there’s four weeks of work to go. All it means is fairy lights and Sandra’s special playlist on endless rotation. Surely nobody’s hungry for that.

“It’s an ordinary working Monday. We have not yet crossed the line to a winter wonderland of seasonal joy where every heart is gladdened. Hold the line, people.”

Colleague Mary Fisher said: “We’re passing the Celebrations round later, while she’s distracted. If she takes one she’s conceded it’s Christmas.”

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China experiences first ever protests, says China

CHINA has recorded the first protests in the country’s long and harmonious history, it has confirmed.

Demonstrations against the country’s zero-Covid policy have shocked the whole nation because nothing like this has ever taken place in the country previously.

A spokesman for President Xi Jinping, speaking from Tiananmen Square where the People’s Republic of China was founded in 1949, said: “Dissent? Here? Unprecedented.

“The world well knows that China resolves its disagreements peacefully – every official history agrees – so these protests are like nothing we’ve ever seen before.

“Conflict in public is not the Chinese way, as the people of Hong Kong know. That’s why they spontaneously ceased demonstrating and accepted the benevolent direction of the general secretary. Ask them if you doubt.

“Our policy is one of gentle re-education, at times in remote locations away from distractions to help concentrate the mind, with armed guards. If that was wrong surely the West would speak out?

“The people are steady in their belief that the supreme leader will end these protests with firmness and compassion. Soon it will be as if they never happened.”