Woman found without dietary requirements

A WOMAN has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers are baffled by Donna Sheridan, aged 34, who appears to be able to consume a standard range of human foodstuffs without making a big f**king song and dance about it.

Dietician Helen Archer said: “Donna is, amazingly, capable of perusing a menu without launching into an explanation of how she doesn’t eat dairy because humans can’t digest lactose and no other species consumes the milk of other mammals, even though no other species makes pizza either and we eat that.

“She also failed to tell any kind of anecdote about being allergic to nuts, how peanuts are actually a legume, or to be toying with veganism.

“Later in the meal, Donna neglected to discuss at length how gluten affects her digestion and how buckwheat bread is just as nice as real bread even though it looks and tastes like a house brick.

“Finally, we observed Donna not indignantly asking the waiter why the beef lasagne wasn’t available without the beef, before eschewing the jackfruit burger. We don’t know how she can exist, but we’re confident it can’t be recreated in laboratory conditions.”

Sheridan said: “I enjoy eating food. I know. Shameful.”

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£200 advent calendars and other bollocks new Christmas traditions

CHRISTMAS doesn’t have to be awful, but bastards are always working to make it worse. These trends cross a line: 

£200 advent calendars

It used to be a cheap daily chocolate. Survivors of 1970s Christmases will remember when it was just a picture. But now advent calendars cost upwards of £200 and offer 24 different perfumes, cheeses or beauty products through the month as if you’re a jaded gout-ridden emperor. There are cheaper ways to begin the day with a dopamine rush, like cocaine.

Christmas Eve boxes

Opening presents on Christmas morning is at least as sacred an idea as all that nativity nonsense. Opening one present on Christmas Eve? Acceptable. Having a special box of the f**kers for the chronically impatient? No. Wait 12 hours.

Christmas light spectaculars

Not the traditional Christmas lights switch-on of your youth, but extravaganzas where you pay to enter an inescapable labyrinth of illuminated tackiness. You freeze your tits off trudging miles past unimpressive neon blurs, then shell out eight quid on an artisanally-toasted marshmallow.

Elf on the shelf

Ever wish you could spend a whole month of the year staging photoshoots at unsociable hours, like an exploited art student? Thanks to this high-maintenance American import that dream is f**king real. Your children know it’s fake and only play along to hurt you. The elf’s photoshoot is being dismembered in the garden on December 16th.

German Christmas markets

The food smells delicious, the wooden huts look delightful, you shuffle around and realise you’re trapped in a Yuletide Matrix where all the shitty craft stalls repeat every fourth one. There are only so many lebkuchen you can buy. There are no drinks other than mulled wine. You will never be free.