TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?
Lucy Parry, camgirl: “Ask him to comprehend true love. His android brain will seize right up, and sparks come out of his ears.”
Martin Bishop, private tutor: “Everyone’s forgetting we’ve got loads of Premier League players in the side who’ve played against Haaland plenty. All they have to do is use the same tactics against him that didn’t work then.”
Denys Finch Hatton, property developer: “What do Vikings like? Illuminated manuscripts seemed to be their thing back in the day. Can we scatter a few of those around the box to distract him?”
Eleanor Shaw, tarot reader: “As an albino his eyes are unable to see the colour red so if we wear our away kit we’ll be basically invisible. I think. I’ve not checked or anything and I have no relevant qualifications.”
Sam Matterface, commentator: “I’m assuming victory and working on my rant: Morten Harket, Jo Nesbo, Edvard Munch, Thor Heyerdahl, turn-of-the-century female serial killer Belle Gunness, your boys took one hell of a beating.”
Helen Archer, oncologist: “Can we not just appeal to his better nature? I mean he can’t really want Norway to win.”
