REAL football is back, football for men from unfashionable towns who looked no further than 25 miles away for their key interest in life. What match will you be at?
Roy Hobbs, costermonger: “Great thing about Spennymoor vs Merthyr is you can be confident Trump won’t call the ref halfway through a game demanding a red card be rescinded.”
Norman Steele, troubadour: “People characterise non-league players as muddy cloggers. Not this year. Southend vs Scunthorpe this afternoon will be all dust clouds and snapped ankles.”
Billy McKay, footballer: “Ah bollocks. This is a terrible time to remember I’m a much-loved but aging left-back for Banks o’ Dee FC.”
Sophie Rodriguez, token woman: “They say you can’t change your club, but I switched allegiance from Hemel Hempstead Town to Hednesford Town and not one person gives a shit.”
Steve Malley, door security: “Hmmm. And which would you recommend for pairing with overheated, pent-up violence?”
