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We ask you: What unnecessarily cruel punishment should Man City suffer?

MANCHESTER City have sinned and must be scourged, for so it is written by the Premier League. What should be their penance? 

Steve Malley, organ courier: “The ultimate sanction: a year in the Championship, a two-year transfer ban and a massive fine paid by the owners not the club so it doesn’t affect our budget. Shit. I meant ‘their budget’.”

Helen Archer, architect: “League Two, massive fines, all decent players sold but Pep to manage them. I will see him broken. Broken like St Catherine on a wheel.”

Martin Bishop, supply teacher: “Sorry, would it be alright if I punish Manchester United instead? It’s just they’re the baddies.”

Mary Fisher, vegetable exporter: “Their licence revoked, their stadium razed to the ground, and their pitch sown with salt until they are entirely forgotten. Which given the strength of local support should be about two years.”

Ellie Shaw, piano tuner: “Hey, come on, they’ve not cheated since 2018! Or that’s the last year we have documentation proving they cheated. Sure it’s the same thing.”

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'We can't visit your parents this weekend, I drive a diesel': how to turn the crisis to your advantage

BOUGHT a diesel car seven years ago, for fuel efficiency? Now being gouged at the pumps? Turn the crisis to your advantage by skipping out on these: 

Visiting your partner’s family

“Look, you know how I was looking forward to seeing your mum and dad, and that dog they have that leaps up at you, and sitting there until well after 9pm when you know I’ve got work the next morning waiting for the end of an interminable anecdote about Uncle Roy disputing his council tax. But it’s just not economical.”

Taking the kids to cricket practice

“It’s an absolute tragedy that our nine-year-old will miss out on a full morning’s cricket this Sunday. After all he doesn’t enjoy it, I hate the cricket dads, and even if he were to turn pro it’s hardly a lucrative career. However it’s just not worth the £9.92 it would cost. Maybe we should never go back.”

Doing the big shop

“I would never voluntarily give up trailing around Tesco with you. That Sunday morning shop is the highlight of my weekend. However with the price of diesel it doesn’t make economic sense. We’ll give ordering online a go. We risk liking it so much we no longer sacrifice an hour of weekend to shopping, but we have no option.”

Going to the cinema

“God it hurts me, not going to see Digger on the big screen. I mean the reviews are lacklustre and the trailer looked bad but who cares? Now, though? The cost-benefit ratio makes it unsupportable. We’ll have to stay in and watch Netflix instead. I’ve poured myself a large gin, to cope.”

Attending work

“Sorry, I can’t make it in today. Why? Have you not seen the news? It’s 22 miles to the office, I can’t be doing that kind of mileage. It wouldn’t be worth me working with what it would cost. I’m afraid I’ll be working entirely from home until further notice.”

Leaving the house at all

“Yes technically we’re not using any diesel by going for a walk. But with the Mad Max-style fuel wars Herefordshire has been plunged into, leaving my car unattended on the drive is practically inviting roving gangs of leather-clad siphoners to take advantage. I’ll stay here. Yes this is another large gin. Well, because of diesel.”

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