Which football team you support basically horoscopes for men

MEN who scoff at star signs believe they can know a person’s entire character based on what football team they support.

Fans who dismiss the idea that being a Pisces might make someone more romantic or prone to mood swings are convinced they can interpret the inner workings of other blokes purely based on what colour shirt they wear on match day.

Lifelong Wolves fan Tom Logan said: “Spurs fans tend to be cold-hearted. They’ve got a steely-eyed ambition that doesn’t leave much room for emotion, which is good because they haven’t won a trophy since 2008.

“Bournemouth supporters, on the other hand, are creative, hopeful and optimistic to a fault. They have to be really, because they’re not going to top the league in a million years.

“Wolves supporters, like me, are the most loyal, kind and generous people out there. We sometimes let our feelings get the better of us, which can lead to starting a fight in a pub after the game. But that’s just because we’re passionate.

“Horoscopes though? They’re complete and utter bollocks. You can’t generalise about millions of people like that. That’s mad.”

He added: “Oh, I should say, West Brom fans are all twats.”

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The six days of your life you'll never want to live again

FROM being born to turning 40, life is littered with horrible experiences. Here are six you’ll be glad you only have to suffer once:

The first day at school

Up until now your fledgling existence has consisted of being doted on by your mum and watching telly. Not any more. Out of the blue you’ve been abandoned with a bunch of strangers determined to make you learn things. The worst part is when they break it to you that you’re stuck in this living hell by law until you’re at least 16.

Finding out Father Christmas isn’t real

Christmas has been the most magical experience ever but now you’re seven and the secret’s out: it’s all a load of bollocks. No mystical bearded benefactor in a red coat, no Rudolph, just some shite about celebrating a random baby boy being born two thousand-odd years ago. And what else have they lied to you about? The trust is gone and Christmas is f**ked.

The ‘birds and the bees’ talk

Mum and Dad have sat you down to tell you the ‘facts of life’. What follows fills 12-year-old you with grim embarrassment and hideous shock in equal measure. You stick it where? Push it in and out a bit and then a baby comes out? This has to be bullshit. Not only is it weapons-grade gross, but it seems it’s practically compulsory when you’re grown up.

Losing your virginity

You’ve been building up to this for ages and you’re convinced it’ll be the most incredible transition into adulthood. Not a chance. There’s some ham-fisted fumbling, apologies for not being able to get it in right and then your big moment is over in a flash. The earth didn’t move and you get dressed in mortified silence, before never seeing each other again.

Your first day at work

Oh, this will be brilliant, you think, earning your own money, being independent. You hadn’t banked on the fact your boss is an utter arsehole and you’re surrounded by irritating sycophants who seem to think you’ve been put there purely to make them endless cups of tea. And when you finally get paid you realise how much tax the bastards have fleeced you out of. Welcome to the rest of your shitty life.

Turning 40

You knew you were young in your 20s, and you were still convinced you were in the prime of life in your 30s. Now you’ve hit the big 40 and there’s no getting around the fact it’s a steady downhill ride to the grave. You’ll never be a professional footballer or rock star and there’s years still to go on your mortgage. You had huge aspirations up until now, but as you blow those candles out the last vestige of hope for your future is extinguished with them.