'California University 1966' and other random shit written on T-shirts

IF you’re trying to buy a plain t-shirt from the shops these days, you’re f**ked. Here’s the type of bizarre nonsense that seems to be emblazoned across all of them:

‘California University 1966’

‘College-branded shirts are cool’, some Asos exec must have thought about ten years ago before completely flooding the market with them. Unfortunately there isn’t much appetite for shirts from your real alma mater of Wolverhampton, so you have to wear one emblazoned with the logo of a made up American college that doesn’t quite sound convincing.

Random French phrases

French is a classy language spoken by classy people, so clothing brands have decided that you can put anything through Google Translate and it’ll be considered fashion-forward. A warning not to actually wear one in France, though, where you’ll inevitably get weird looks for wearing a t-shirt that translates into a nonsense phrase like ‘My house is a beach’.

Asian characters

Like things even more mysterious? It’s unlikely that anyone in your local Sainsbury’s speaks even rudimentary Japanese, so you can get away with your Superdry hoodie that reads something along the lines of ‘Hokkaido Waste Management Facility’.

Meaningless political statement

The fact that the world is going to hell in a handbasket has even caught the attention of marketing people who are using it to make a bit more cash as everything burns. Buying a t-shirt that says something like ‘THINK while it’s still LEGAL’ on it makes you feel like you have incisive opinions about the evils of late-stage capitalism, even as you fill your basket with tat at Primark.


If you’ve got a cushion at home with ‘Live, laugh, love’ written on it, then you aren’t going to be shy about donning a t-shirt with an aggressively cheerful slogan written in capital letters across the chest. The irony is that you’re probably a miserable bastard yourself, and have chosen this shirt in a desperate attempt to seem like you have a pleasant personality.

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Open a bottle at 12pm sharp: Boris Johnson's handover notes revealed

DESPITE being a chaotic nightmare while in office, Boris Johnson has taken steps to aid his successor. Here are his handover notes in full:

Open a bottle at 12pm sharp

This job is too stressful to get through sober. Crack open one of the many wine bottles I stockpiled during Christmas 2020 at midday to take the edge off all those pesky scandals and journalists shouting at you from right outside your home. The trick is to pace yourself so that you’re slightly pissed for your entire premiership.

Act stupid on purpose

Are you completely unqualified for this job because you have the intelligence of a flannel? Convince people that you are actually a Machiavellian genius by acting like a bumbling cretin on purpose. Pretty soon nobody will be able to tell where your faux stupidity ends and your genuine idiocy begins. You can ignore this one, Liz.

Remove the cameras from the briefing room

If it weren’t for the cameras in the briefing room recording Allegra Stratton I’d probably still be in a job. Spend your first day smashing them into little pieces to avoid a similar gaffe. This will undermine the point of a briefing room somewhat, but you can either have a pointless room that cost £2.6 million or a free press threatening your reign of terror. Your call.

Create a new scapegoat

The EU was a fantastic bogeyman while it lasted, but now we’ve left the country’s in need of a new one. Immigrants are a classic but don’t have the pull they once had, and no matter how hard we’ve tried the culture war isn’t really taking off. If in doubt just go after obese people or the French.

Don’t forget to feed Raab

There’s a pouch of Dreamies in the kitchen cupboard, behind the teabags. Sprinkle a handful of them into his bowl twice a day and he’ll be fine. We tried to train him to look after himself but it never stuck. Humour him by calling him the a ‘good little deputy prime minister’ every now and then and he won’t give you any trouble.