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Who all of Man City's trophies between 2009-2018 will be awarded to: a guide

EVERY trophy won by Manchester City between 2009 and 2019 is now available for judicious redistribution. Who is going to walk away with what? 

Premier League 2011-12, 2013-14, 2017-18

With three trophies available, if awarded to the runners-up two would go to Manchester United and one would go to Liverpool. But nobody likes Manchester United or Liverpool and the world shudders at the thought of José Mourinho receiving a post-dated trophy.

Consequently the first will go to Chelsea, giving them the league and Europe double their money richly deserved, the second goes to Leicester City to make their 2016 win less implausible, and the final one goes to Arsenal as a retirement present for Arsene Wenger following the 2012 precedent of doing the same for Sir Alex Ferguson.

FA Cup 2010-11

No arguments here. Stoke City were the losing finalists in that FA Cup final, have never won a major trophy and have long deserved one. They’ve earned it because without them we’d have no yardstick to test whether fancy foreign footballers could still do it on a wet Tuesday night in an absolute shithole. Thank you, Stoke, for your service.

League Cup 2013-14, 2015-16, 2017-18

Difficult. Based on finalists, the first should go to Sunderland, the second to Liverpool and the third to Arsenal. But any trophy going to Sunderland would immediately bring English football into disrepute and the other two have said they’re fine without it.

The decision has therefore been made to award all three to the fictitious club Melchester Rovers, with goals scored by Rocky Race, Neymar and Louis Tomlinson, and the hope is that US buyers will make huge bids and allow the FA to boost earnings by promoting an invented club overseas, following the example of Wrexham.

Community Shield 2012-13

To be given away to one lucky winner in a competition on cans of Coca-Cola.

Champions League

Didn’t win any. Shame.

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The Gen Z guide to paying for therapy to cope with being broke

AGED 22? Sad about it? So obsessed with being disadvantaged by previous generations that you need to pay a stranger to listen to you talk? Here’s how: 

Find the best

Never mind that you live at home, you’re traumatised and deserve the best, not mum’s friend Jackie who’s training to be a counsellor. Don’t stint and be sure to delve deeply into finding out exactly why it is that you, aged 23 and masturbating quietly so your parents don’t hear, feel depressed. Who understands your tough choices like: Deliveroo or Vinted?

Get careers coaching

Find a provider who’ll group therapy with career coaching, charging £300 an hour for vital self actualisation exercises and AI generated advice on AI job applications. When you get all that, avoid resentfully thinking you could tell strangers to ‘leverage their transferable skills’ and earn £50 a hour by focusing on your debts instead.

Discuss your feelings of failure

Why does someone who can’t afford a pint feel a failure? Clearly you have unresolved childhood trauma and imposter syndrome. That’s a 15-session problem, paid upfront. It’s an investment in your future, as was that highly valuable degree in Art History and Film Studies.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Yes, an influencer on TikTok has bought a flat in Shoreditch at 21 and claims it’s by cutting out McDonalds. But we all know there’s some weird foot pics shit lurking there and that’s too oversaturated a market for you to get into now. Though it is still necessary you sob to a stranger about it.

Explore your relationship with money

Why do you feel anxious every time your banking app opens? Why does seeing ‘£4.62 available’ cause your heart to race? Why have you started treating £10 like an heirloom? Your therapist will encourage you to unpack your ‘scarcity mindset’. You can’t put a price on mental health, you reassure yourself, while subject to exactly that.

Work on your boundaries

Learn to say no to things you can’t afford, such as holidays, weddings, restaurants, festivals, pubs, taxis, house deposits and having children before the age of 41.You’ll also learn to set healthy boundaries with your parents, including asking them to stop mentioning that £30 you borrowed.

Identify your coping mechanisms

You may have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as doomscrolling, drinking supermarket own-brand wine or therapy you can’t afford. Your therapist will encourage healthier alternatives. These include journalling, mindfulness and taking a walk in nature. Instead you tell her you’ve done all that and stay in.

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